Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

March 22, 2020

Life In The Times of Coronavirus

I heard my daughter laughing from another room.

A real hearty bellyaching laugh. 

Then she came in and shared a WhatsApp post from one of her friends which said:
I ate 11 times and took 5 naps and I woke up and it's still today!

Then I couldn't stop laughing. ;-)

(Credit Graphic: Andy Blumenthal)
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March 20, 2020

The Dog Diet

Funny story from a wonderful relative of mine...made me laugh during this coronavirus outbreak.
-------------------
"I interrupt the COVID-19 pandemic to bring you this lil story...

Last night I went to Sam’s Club to buy a bag of food for my dogs.

Already in line, a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

I stare at her (those who know me will imagine my gaze 🤔😳) ...but then why would I be buying dog food...right? 😝😝

So on impulse I told her no, that I didn’t have a dog, that I was starting the dog food diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but 15 pounds less!

I told her that it was the perfect diet and that all you had to do is carry the kibbles in your pocket and eat one or two every time you feel hungry (I have to mention that practically everyone in line was interested in my story).

Frightened, the woman asks me if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food had poisoned me. I answered...of course not!

I was admitted because I bent down to smell the butt of a bulldog and I was hit by a truck 😂😂😂

I thought the man behind her was going to have a heart attack...he was laughing so hard!

...Let’s continue promoting reading! 😁

I have to confess...I posted this to make you smile. It's your turn to copy/paste it and make someone else laugh.

We need to laugh more! Have a GREAT DAY😄😄😄"

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)


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January 26, 2020

Cannibals Love To Have You For Dinner

I love this saying from one of my colleagues in the National Security field about the Middle East:
If you aren't invited for dinner, you're likely on the menu!

Oh how true it is. 

It reminds me of a mother-in-law joke my father used to tell about this guy telling his friend:
Yeah, we had my mother-in-law for dinner. And boy was she good!

Anyway, no one can tell a joke like he did. 

Last thing you want to be is on the menu. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

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December 4, 2019

Now Dat's Customer Service

This was a sign that talks to a real customer service orientation:

"Suppose we refund your money.

Send you another one without charge.

Close the store.

And have the manager shot...

Would that be satisfactory?"

Actually no, that's not good enough!

While you're at it...

Bow down and kiss my filthy feet.

Flagellate yourself with 40 lashes using a wet noodle. 

Give me a complimentary supply of whatever the crap is I was buying for life.

And after you shoot the manager, hang him from the tallest tree for everyone to get the message.  LOL

Now dat's customer service!  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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October 2, 2019

Who's Fasting For Whom

Today is the Jewish fast day of Tzom Gedaliah. 

Gedaliah had been appointed governor of Israel by the Babylonian conquers in 423 BCE.  However, within the year, Gedaliah was assassinated. This resulted in the remaining Judeans fleeing to Egypt and the Babylonian exile being firmly established until the return from this exile in 371 BCE. 

Literally for thousands of years the relatively small Israelite nation in the Holy Land was repeatedly attacked and conquered by the large surrounding empires of the Assyrians, Egyptians, Babylonians, Persians, Greeks, Romans.

Despite this punishing history, when it came to the Fast of Gedaliah, my father used to inject a little light humor and say:
Gedaliah didn't fast for me, so I am not going to fast for him.

I can still hear his words in my head and even now it still brings a warm smile to my face and happiness inside me. 

Upcoming next week is Yom Kippur--fasting and atonement. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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August 30, 2019

Breakthrough Hybrid Car Technology

Saw this photo on Facebook.

Thought this was just too excellent. 

Yes, a new hybrid car.

- The chassis goes one way.

- The passenger compartment goes the other way. 

Was the engineer on hallucinogenics? 

Or perhaps, this is some super secret new technology for easy parallel parking. 

Think about it, if the car is driverless than what difference does it make anyway? ;-)

(Source Photo: Facebook)
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June 27, 2019

Is Beer A Color?

So thought this was an interestingly funny flip chart. 

It's titled "Colors".

And it has the typical ones you'd expect: blue, red, green, yellow, orange, purple, black, white, grey, brown, and tan. 

But thrown into the mix is beer (and Summer)--maybe these go together! 

Perhaps, someone had a little too much beer when asked about colors.

On second thought, maybe beer is a color.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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February 23, 2019

Fire Alarm, Now What?

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel, called "Shabbat Menucha." 
Friday night–the start of the Shabbat–oh, thank G-d we made it (and TGIF). Usually such a wonderful time to catch up on some extra sleep from the whole week of work. But last night it’s different…the fire alarm suddenly comes alive and the voice over the loud speaker tells everyone to exit the building immediately. It is 1:00 AM in the morning.

Carrying a head cold, medicated, and sleepless, this is what happened to me.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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November 22, 2018

What Did The Turkey Say To The Chicken?


"Misery loves company" -- even with a chicken and turkey.

Someone always has it worse.  

Too funny!  ;-)

Thank you to my son-in-law for sharing these.  
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October 1, 2018

Bad Little Mousey

So a colleague told me about an awful experience at work. 

They came into the office and had a big surprise. 

I won't ask you to guess what it was. 

I'll start off by giving you a hint.

It came from a mouse. 

Yep, they actually had what they called, "mouse poop" on their desk. 

Have to laugh even at the term...

But this is not what you want to have to deal with first thing in the morning, or anytime for that matter. 

What can you do though?

We share the world with other living creatures and if they want to poop on your desk--what are you really gonna do about it? 

I suggested setting some traps, but they said they want to see if it happens again. 

That's two too many times for me.

Now though I learned to be grateful if my desk is poop-free. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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April 4, 2018

Anus Protectus

So I learned this new phrase today:
"Anus Protectus"

It's what it sounds like.

It when you communicate (or do) something in order to "cover your a*s."

Sometimes we communicate as an FYI.

Other times as a FYSA.

And then there is the CYA. 

All of these are what we call "Purposeful communications."

The only real difference is their purposes. 

When you open your mouth or your email make sure you know your:

- Why (intent)
- Who (audience)
- How (persuasion techniques)

These are the secret sauce of good communication. 

More blogs to come on this important topic. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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April 1, 2018

Worst Passover Cake Ever

So this has got to be the worst Passover cake ever. 

It's definitely not kosher for Pesach. 

Not only is it made from chametz, but it's shaped like a chazer (i.e. pig) too.

This thing would be conceptually treyf even on the best of non-Passover days. 

Does it have lard too? 

I don't know for sure, but would it really be a pig cake if it didn't!

This lousy cake doesn't even have an ounce of chocolate in it--have you ever heard of a genuine dessert that tastes like the calorie count it adds up to be without chocolate? 

I've heard of the callous calling people a pig for eating too much cake and being fat, but making the oink oink face directly on the cake itself--and on Passover--is not only insulting, but at $28.95, it's overpriced too. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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February 16, 2018

Who Says Flying Can't Be More Enjoyable


This flight attendant is terrific here. 

She delivers the typical hum-drum public service announcements in a whole new way--now (maybe) you'll actually pay attention.

Smart cookie and fun sense of humor. 

Happy Friday and enjoy!

(Thank you to Itzchak Ochayon for sharing this with me)
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May 19, 2017

Going Bonkers For Pink




So is this the power of sexuality or branding?

1. Head first for the lingerie sale

2. Picking out pink for that special someone.

3. Forgetting to pay the meter.

All three of these made us laugh. 

People are a combination of spiritual and physical beings. 

Sometimes the physical takes over and that's when the problems start happening!  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

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April 27, 2017

I Love A Strong Woman, But...

Ok, admit it or not.

This is certainly something that every man fears: ~Castration Phobia~

Of course, I don't know what she's planning, but with that huge sickle-shaped knife and that big disarming smile, I definitely don't want to find out. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal) 
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April 23, 2017

Nice Chompers

So this was funny-weird at the dentist. 

The dental hygienist comes in and does the cleaning.

Ultrasonic cleaner, scraping, polishing, flossing, rinse--all sort of routine. 

Next the dentist comes in--looks this side, that side, bite, bite again, looks some more. 

Then sort of out of the blue, the dentist goes to me:

"You got some nice chompers!"

Ah, never quite heard anyone say that before or quite the way this dentist said it.

Uh, a little strange sounding and feeling a little uncomfortable. 

I go out and tell me wife about this weird thing. 


And I start laughing and going...

"Doctor, you got some nice chompers there too!"

Somehow the way I said it, we both cracked up laughing. 

I'll never think of going to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist quite the same way again. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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April 6, 2017

Rhymes With Venus

So these were some funny stories recently...

First, I came across an information system with a comical name. 

Let just say that it rhymes with venus and starts with the letter P. 

Well not exactly that word, but it very, very close. 

When I heard it, I could not help but say, "That's an unfortunate [system] name."

That's the thing about names and acronyms...you really have to think about what they stand for and what they sound like or you can get yourself into some pretty ridiculous situations and problems. 

Second story is when I was talking to this lady and I asked how she was feeling after going through some surgery and then having various complications from it. 

She told me the pain and problems she was having, and the tests and doctors she is continuing to have to see ,and that physical therapy didn't help much. 

I'm nodding and empathizing and then after this went on for a while, all I could say in dismay for all what she had been through was "Ay, yai, yai." 

Then she asked me about how I was doing after my hip surgeries and I told her how grateful I was for the modern medical procedures and G-d's blessing that enabled me to walk again. 

But what was really funny is that she then starts going, "Ay, yai, yai."

And as the conversation wore down, we were both looking at each other and practically saying in harmony, "Ay, yai, yai."

Anyway...sometimes there's nothing left to say but just that. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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December 12, 2016

Jewish Humor Is Part Of Our Survival

So the prior Jewish generation (my parents) had a really good sense of humor. 

My dad always had a joke to tell and make people laugh. 

And as the movie, "When Jews Were Funny" portrays, the suffering of the past led to the lighthearted humor of the times. 

From the unbelievable horrors of the Holocaust and pogroms came the yearning for comic relief in the everyday life around us.

We are the survivors! 

And we yearn to go on living and making the world a better place, and you can't do that from the depths of sorrow and fear.  

In the movie, here were two funny jokes to start your week off with:

1) This old Jewish lady goes through a red light and 2 stop signs, and her husband, Sadie shrieks and says to her, "What are you doing? You just drove through a red light and 2 stop signs!"  And his wife replies, "I didn't even know that I was driving!"  

2) This Jewish man living in anti-Semitic times trying to hide his Jewishness is reiterating his answers to various questions posed to him to rout him out. He innocently goes, "And when they asked me what religion I am, I fooled them good and told them I was Goyish!"

Yeah, they just don't tell them like they used to. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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November 30, 2016

An Ironic Cabinet Lineup {humorous}

[Please only read this with a sense of political humor.]

Here are some funny ideas for domestic and foreign picks for a fantasy Cabinet team:

Department of Defense - (Oh no) Russian President Vladimir Putin because he knows how to fight and win wherever he wants. 

Department of State - (Oh no) Julian Assange because he has so may of the cables anyway.

Department of Treasury - (Oh no) President Barack Obama because he doubled the national debt to $20 trillion and it's no problem.

Department of Commerce - Chinese President Xi Jinping because he has most of the world's manufacturing and the biggest trade surplus. 

Department of Justice - (Oh no) James Comey (with all due respect) because he could investigate Hillary Clinton and deem her "extremely careless" with national security and yet also do the job of the prosecutors and recommend that "no reasonable" one would bring such a case. 

Department of Education - (What if) Sergey Brin and Larry Page because they made Google the most valuable company in the world by organizing all the world's information and making it universally accessible and useful. 

Department of Labor - (What if) Ken Jennings who was beaten in Jeopardy by IBM's Watson, and understands that artificial intelligence, automation, and robotics will soon be eating people's lunch. 

Department of Homeland Security - (Oh no) Edward Snowden because he already knows all about surveillance--how we conduct it, how to evade it, as well as the vulnerabilities in our security. 

Department of Transportation - (What if) Elon Musk because of his leadership in electronic vehicles here on earth as well as rockets to even get us to Mars. 

Department of Energy - (Oh no) Iranian President Hassan Rouhani because he knows how to get his nukes while ridding his country of sanctions and getting $150 billion to continue global terror

Department of Agriculture - (Oh no) Any of the notorious drug kingpins because they know how to grow it, distribute it, and make lots of money doing it. 

Department of Interior - (Oh no) North Korean leader Kim Jong Un because he manages one of the most remote (Isolationist) nations on Earth and does it with virtually complete self-sufficiency. 

Department of Veterans Affairs - (Oh no) Bowe Bergdahl because he was charged with desertion and still managed to get honored in a White House ceremony.

Environmental Protection Agency - (Oh no) Former CEO of BP John Browne because he knows the ramifications of being responsible for one of the worst polluting industrial accidents in history in the Gulf of Mexico.

Housing and Urban Development - (What if) Ivanka Trump because she is an absolute class act and helps run one of the greatest brands in building and managing real estate worldwide. 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal via National Geographic)
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August 8, 2016

When You Gotta Go

We went hiking the trails yesterday in Maryland along Rock Creek.

And we came across this makeshift toilet in the woods. 

Surprised at all by what you see? 

Apparently, the hole in the tree wasn't enough for someone.

They took the liberty of literally hauling a toilet seat out to the middle of the woods here and adding it to nature's wonders. 

I suppose they must've really wanted that homey feeling when they take care of their business. 

Who says America's has lost it's creative talent?

From the big cities to the wooded suburbs, we are a nation that does our business and does it extremely well. 

Especially during election time when some politicians can be so very full of it and of themselves. 

Can anyone see why we need to reestablish leadership and competitive advantage in this country? ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

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