The Jewish Cure for Anxiety

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "The Jewish Cure for Anxiety."

Anxiety has become a constant backdrop in a world shaken by rapid technological change, economic strain, geopolitical threats, and deep social polarization, leaving many people echoing the fearful question, “What’s gonna be?”. Jacob in the Torah portion Vayishlach models a healthy response to fear through his “Triad of Response”: he prays, uses diplomacy, and prepares defensively, showing that true trust fuses faith with decisive action. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, despite immense personal suffering, teaches that worry is a spiritual poison and calls us instead to serenity grounded in prayer, gratitude, and confidence that nothing happens outside Divine will. Coelho’s The Alchemist echoes this wisdom through the seer’s insight that seeking to know the future only makes us suffer twice, urging us to embrace a “sacred alliance” of doing our part, trusting God, and focusing on appreciating today rather than surrendering our present joy to imagined tomorrows.

(AI generated image via Meta)

 

The Jewish Cure for Anxiety

When a Jew is Torn Between Freedom and Family

 
Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "When a Jew is Torn Between Freedom and Family."

Shulem Deen’s All Who Go Do Not Return is a powerful memoir chronicling his escape from the insular Skverer Hasidic community. Deen’s world was shaped by strict prohibition of secular influences, arranged marriage, and demand for total conformity, enforced by harsh punishments and social control. After being cast out for his growing doubts, Deen lost his family, faith, and community, and struggled through loneliness and depression. His story is both a lament for what was lost and a testament to the steep, lasting price of freedom, raising profound questions about the cost of authenticity and the challenge of losing everything. 

(AI generated image via Meta)

When a Jew is Torn Between Freedom and Family

Never Truly Alone

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "Never Truly Alone."

Alone, in the quiet.

There is pain, suffering, and loss.

Anxiety and depression.

But wait, there is also faith.

Never Truly Alone

Mastering Cheerfulness

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called, "Mastering Cheerfulness." 

During Covid-19, it is easy to get down about all the people getting sick (many dying) and for the rest of us the intense feelings of isolation. However, during this time (and particularly this week of Thanksgiving), I am learning the importance of staying positive and appreciating all G-d’s blessings that we do have. More broadly, I am coming to understand that inside a person, G-d exists amidst love, kindness and cheerfulness: these are elements that nourish the flame of our soul and wherein G-d happily coexists with us. It makes a lot of sense that when we are angry, jealous, or sad, the holy Shechinah (presence of G-d) cannot fully reside inside us. Because G-d Himself is gracious, kind, and loving and created us from this, so His spirit within us (our soul) flourishes amidst these feelings, but diminishes within us like a flame without oxygen when we distance ourselves emotionally and spiritually.

Just like one candlelight extinguishes the darkness around it, so also the light that we nurture within ourselves can extinguish the darkness that we occasionally feel inside.

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Mastering Cheerfulness

When It Turns In

A friend told me something interesting about anxiety and depression...

Depression is anxiety turned inward. 

When people feel anxious and that they don't have control over their situation that make them feel in a sense helpless, and then the anxiety "has no where to go," it becomes depression. 

I guess it make sense that if you feel that you can't really do anything to make things better--and no matter how hard you try--then you feel somewhat helpless/hopeless and get depressed

Perhaps it's almost like a frustration at your own inability to change things you feel you need to change. 

That is why a person's feeling some sense of control over their environment and life is so important. 

When things are looking down, it helps to try and do something to take back control over what feels like spiraling uncontrollable events and circumstances.  

Of course, only G-d really has control over what ultimately happens. 

But we need to do our part to try to make things better. 

Just taking that first (and second and third) step is freeing. 

I'm pretty sure that an element of this is that you can tell yourself that you "did everything you could" so in effect there is a lifting of guilt about the situation, but at the same time there is also a genuine feeling that you are here for a purpose and perhaps have made a difference in this world. 

Some people feel big and important, but the reality is that we are all so small in a very big world and universe where suffering and loss can strike (G-d forbid) at any moment. 

Man is but a speck of dust in the realm of things. 

But at the same time, our speck is filled with a soul of the living G-d. 

So we must do what we can to be a good influence and impact. 

Whatever it is, it is what we can do. 

If everyone--7.6 billion of us out there---does their part that can make a difference. 

Don't let life's anxieties become your depression.

Look for what you can contribute--do it!--try your best to make a difference and make the world better.

It's what you're here for and what you can positively do.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

When It Turns In

Rich, Famous, and Suicide

So I can't believe that Kate Spade (55) committed suicide -- Hanging. 

What an amazing fashion designer--so much to live for!

Famous for her gorgeous handbags (that used to be the business my dad was in too). 

Her net worth was $150,000,000!

Why does someone so beautiful, successful, rich, and famous take their life???

Ultimately, none of these things make happy or meaning in life!

Still, it is incredibly hard to understand seemingly having so much and throwing your life away--unless of course, we consider terrible things like severe depression and other horrible illnesses that can break anyone. 

Yet, there seem to be so many of these hugely successful people that take or lose their lives so young and with still so much to give the world:

Alan Turing (41) -- Cyanide

Alexander McQueen (40) - Hanging 

Amy Winehouse (27) -- Alcohol 

Chris Benoit (40) -- Broken Neck

Christine Chubbuck (29) -- Shooting

Dana Plato (34) - Overdose

Ernest Hemingway (61) -- Shooting

Jerzy Kosinski (57) -- Overdose

Kurt Cobain (27) -- Shooting

L'Wren Scott (49) -- Hanging

Lucy Gordon (28) -- Hanging

Marilyn Monroe (36) -- Overdose

Michael Jackson (50) -- Overdose

Mike Alfonso (42) - Hanging

Prince (57) -- Overdose

Robbin Williams (63) --Hanging

Sawyer Sweeten (19) -- Shooting

Sylvia Plath (30) - Gas Oven 

Vincent Van Gogh (37) -- Shooting

Virginia Woolf (59) - Drowning 

Whitney Houston (48) -- Drowning 

G-d should have mercy and help to take away the pain and suffering from people so that they can live and not die prematurely anymore. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Rich, Famous, and Suicide

Suicide Back To Go

So I spoke to someone who tried to commit suicide.

This is what they told me:

"When you try to commit suicide, there is no light; there is no Heaven; there is only darkness."

Basically, even though they were desperate and tried to kill themselves, their experience was not one of finding relief, but rather of going to Hell!

So while I really don't know anything, this is what I imagine happens when you try to commit suicide. 

Yes, there is no light--there is only darkness. 

Yes, there is no Heaven.

But I don't believe you go to Hell for being desperate, depressed, alone, and feeling like you have no other way out. 

Instead, what I believe is that you "Go back to GO and you do not collect $200."

In other words, you have to start the Game of Life all over again. 

Since you didn't complete your tests, trials, challenges, and mission...you go back to the beginning. 

You have to relive your life and go through it all over again. 

Who is to say, whether it is a better life or not. 

Presumably, whatever lessons you were supposed to learn the first time around, you still have to complete those lessons. 

So I would think you have to relive a lot of the same. 

I don't know about you, but one of the things I hate worst when things go wrong is to have to go back and redo what I've already done. 

It seems so fruitless, such a waste of time and effort. 

How is that for frustrating--working just to redo what you already did. 

Perhaps that is quite the measured "punishment" for those who end their life prematurely--before G-d says it's time. 

While we frequently say things about wishing to be young again or do it all over again--I think rarely does someone mean having to go thru the same pain points again. 

I assume it's nice to live again, but it's got to be a value-add life--not just a do-over!

So in my mind, while someone on the edge may not have a real choice in what they are doing and in making a decision to take their life--it's probably not a purely rational moment in time--I do think that in so taking their life, they are not doing themselves any favors in the end. 

Because, suicide isn't game over, but rather the game begins all over--from the beginning again. ;-)

(Note: I am not talking about assisted suicide here for someone who is at the end of life and in absolute pain and suffering and it is truly time to go--I am sure that is perfectly okay). 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Suicide Back To Go

Doing It On One Leg

Always finding people with new and creative ways to work out (and torture their bodies).

The gentleman does the stairs on one leg...

Down not so bad (but keeping your balance probably a little challenging). 

Up, one after the other, pretty impressive. 

And he did this routine again and again.

The fitness craze is taking shape...hopefully eclipsing the sedentary and gross carb diets people have adopted over the years.

Carbs, as good as they may taste (although I think you don't even really taste them as people shovel it in), should be banned or at least greatly limited as an addictive harmful substance.

And sitting all day at a desk, not what otherwise healthy people were meant to do, also big no-no.

We can't let ourselves become a society of shlubs getting fat, tired, and unhealthy--it's part of a trend of depressive and destructive personal and social behavior. 

I really think we need a Western fitness revolution--not body-worshiping--just a good healthy balanced lifestyle where we become planetary survivors again and not a bunch of virtual couch potatoes that want to make you puke. ;-)

(Source Video: Andy Blumenthal)

Doing It On One Leg

You're Wealthy Nuts

So Bloomberg Businessweek has a really funny article about all the wealthy people that need to go see shrinks. 

Get this--overall wealthy people are cursed with "Affluenza" (not influenza silly) and have "elevated levels of depression, anxiety, psychosomatic issues (physical symptoms from stress), and self-mutilation."

Some specific reasons they go for mental health help:

- Why Me--A trying issue to deal with is their guilt feelings about being so darn rich, while others are starving, homeless, and can't make ends meet. 

- Feeling A Little Lonely (And Hated)--They can't help thinking that perhaps people only like them for their money.

- Aimless In Life--What's the purpose of their lives if they are living on easy street, don't have to work, and can buy their way out of trouble. 

- Money To Mess You Up--Some people have so much money, they can squander it on bad investments, but also on alcohol, drugs, sex, and so on.  

- Fear Of Losing It All--Terrible thing about having so much money is you have to worry about losing so much money.  

So next time you are thinking about protesting against the top .1% who have as much as the bottom 90%, have a heart because the wealthy have a lot of problems too. ;-)

(Source Photo: here with attribution to Chris Goldberg)

You're Wealthy Nuts

Forcing Kids Backfires Big Time

Fascinating article in the Sunday New York Times today on how the stress we are putting on our kids is making them sick. 

With testing of High school students showing incredibly alarming rates of mental illness:

- 54% with moderate to severe depression.

- 80%+ with moderate to severe anxiety.

And 94% of college counseling directors "seeing rising numbers of students with severe psychological problems."

Even pediatricians are reporting 5-, 6-, and 7-year olds coming in for migraines and ulcers!

Another teacher said with all this, "We're sitting on a ticking time bomb."

Under the pressure to get into great schools and get a foot in the door in excellent careers and attain high-paying jobs, we are making our kids work longer school days, do more homework, take more Advanced Placement (AP) exams, participate in numerous extracurricular activities, and achieve, achieve, achieve. 

We've taken away normal play time--the fun out of life growing up--and the imagination, exploration, and discovery away from kids just being kids. 

The paradox is that "the pressure cooker is hurting, not helping, our kid's prospect for success."

Especially for parents who themselves grew up poor or lacking, maybe they are trying to do the "right thing"and give their kids more than they had and a "better life."

But maybe even the best intentions to mold children to be what we want them to be, or think they should or could be, is misplaced.

If only we could all take a little (or BIG) chill pill...you can't force success--with forcing you get the opposite results.

Back off people--instead of pushing and endless disciplining--how about we listen to the children, guide them, show unconditional love, and be excellent examples--show them integrity, a strong work ethic, along with an appreciation for work-life balance, then perhaps we will get not only the success of the next generation that we all need, but also happier, better adjusted, and healthier children. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Forcing Kids Backfires Big Time

The Kardashian Ball-Busters

So despite the immense beauty, fame, and fortune associated with the Kardashian women...if you are a man, you may want to stay far far far away. 

It seems like in the end, nothing good ever turns out for the Kardashian men--who BTW are often ballplayers and even Olympic athletes. 

Kris's husbands:

- Robert Kardashian (1st husband) - divorced in 1991 after Kris's affair and lavish lifestyle spending, remained close friends, and died of esophageal cancer in 2003.

- Bruce Jenner (2nd husband) - divorced in 2014, and revealed "excruciatingly painful" transgender crisis and transformation to Caitlyn Jenner. 

Kim's husbands: 

- Damon Thomas (1st husband) - Messy divorce in 2004.

- Chris Humphries (2nd husband) - Filed for divorce after 1 year, 7 months and divorce completed in 2013.

- Kanye West (3rd husband) - Marriage issues and divorce rumors abound from frustration over Kim's weight gain to the two sleeping apart. 

Chloe's husband:

Lamar Odom (1st husband) - Signed divorce paper in 2015, and now in coma after drug overdose in brothel. 

Kourtney's partner: 

- Scott Disick (Ex partner) - Broke up in 2015 and continues struggling with drugs and alcohol addiction.

What about brother, Rob Kardashian?

- He too is struggling with a weight problem and depression, and is estranged from his family. 

Anyway, it all starts with Kris Jenner, the controlling family matriarch who has been said to be "testy, demanding, manipulative," and generally narcissistic.  

And how about the Kardashian daughters--who are they as people?--as they air their freewheeling "have it all" lifestyles on the show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

Even though they call it a reality show, maybe the real reality--like for most of humankind--is not so "all that" and glamorous after all? ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

The Kardashian Ball-Busters

Pain Pain Go Away!

So I am more the emotional type who cries at sad songs or heroic endeavors. 

But with the hip surgery, I have to admit that I have had some moments of literally screaming pain. 

The surgeon said he did about a full half hour of cauterization to prevent another bleed (hematoma) and infection that happened last time...so not sure if this is causing the extra-extra sting. 

Usually when they ask my level of pain, I say like 2-3, because I imagine a 10 being some horrible torture like being sawed in half (while hung upside down--actually saw this in a movie) or flayed of your flesh, burnt alive at the stake, or quartered by horses--or countless variations on these.

Let's just say, the medieval tormentors had this torture stuff down.

In a way, I almost feel guilty expressing my post surgical pain (sort of child's play) relative to these made-to-order cruelties.

Of course for pain, the doctors give you medicine, but honestly I don't like to take these because of side-effects and even addictive properties. 

But the nurse and physical therapist told me not to let the pain get ahead of me, because then it is harder to control it (and also harder to do the full PT and get the benefits from it).

In the hospital, I was amazed that some people had so much pain (i.e. me) and others just sat there in PT seemingly shrugging off the whole experience. 

Still I made it the full loop with the walker the first day (which the therapists told me is maybe 3x what most others do at that point).

Another thing that I am thinking about with pain, is how do you compare emotional and physical pain--which is worse?

The loss of loved ones, deep disappointments, suffering with sickness or disability, anxiety and depression can certainly cause a lot of pain inside--those are the screams that often no one hears.

Also, that hurt can often lead to physical sickness and bodily pain and vice versa--so they are not mutually exclusive.

My father used to tell me that "When you have your health you have everything."

I think this is partly because if you don't have your health, you can't really do or enjoy much else anyway--so good health is sort of a precursor to all other activities and pursuits.

Probably the worst pains are the ones where their is simply no hope of getting better...and you just have to accept the loss or the end. 

The corollary that my father taught me was "Where there is life, there is hope!"

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Pain Pain Go Away!

We Need More Rabbit

This was a funny scene down at Foggy Bottom today.

The Nesquik rabbit was giving out chocolate milk bottle samples.

On a warm August day today, this was nice. 

But also, it was refreshing to see a little light-heartedness downtown. 

We all--adults and kids--need more of this--to enjoy life.

It was interesting how we are so going in the opposite direction these days.

Not only with all the bad news around the world...

But even with how hard we have to work just to keep up (24/7) and with a world where our kids are having to work and miss out on what is supposed to be some more or less carefree exploratory years to find themselves. 

Now it's SAT prep, AP classes, internships, volunteer opportunities, and extracurricular activities--all the time. 

In this regard, in the Wall Street Journal today, there was a review of a book called Excellent Sheep.

The book's author explains how "For many students, rising to the absolute top means being consumed by the system...[where they] sacrifice health, relationships, exploration, [and] activities...[those things] essential for developing souls and hearts."

The kids are often working so hard that they are anxious, depressed, and often miserable. 

When getting ahead and becoming wealthy (a priority for 80%!) becomes the prime reason for our young adults' existence, maybe we have missed the boat in terms of finding true meaning and joy in life. 

Hard work and striving for success is a good thing, but worshipping the proverbial "golden calf" is not productive. 

Like the rabbit, I would give a thumbs up to those for whom a more well-balanced life rules the day--where success, meaning, and joy all play an important part, and we can drink some chocolate milk and not take everything so darn serious. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

We Need More Rabbit

Shout, Let It All Out or Shut Up and Take 10

I like this photo..."I don't know what we're yelling about!!"

On one hand, some people may yell out of frustration or anger--because they feel terribly wronged or even abused by someone else (i.e. they feel a "righteous anger").

On the other hand, others may yell because they are mentally unstable or just can't handle their sh*t (i.e. "they are losing it").

Some may yell like in martial arts training to scare the other person and get them to back off. I remember someone telling me back in NYC that if you're about to be attacked, start to talk to yourself, act crazy, foam at the mouth, and yell...this way maybe they will leave you alone (i.e. "they'll look for an easier target"). 

While some studies are saying that yelling is becoming less of a problem, the sheer number of articles on this topic tell a different story. From yelling at your children to yelling at your employees, the yelling phenomenon is alive and well.

Parents are yelling more, maybe to avoid spanking, which is now more a social taboo. Studies show that 75% of parents scream at their kids about once a month--this includes shouting, cursing, calling them "lazy," "stupid," or otherwise belittling and blaming them. The problem is that yelling only makes the kids depressed, angrier, and creates more behavioral problems, not less. 

In this way, shouting at children is no different than physically abusing them (e.g. hitting, pushing, etc.)

Similarly, when superiors or customers scream at employees, the workers feel they are in an out of control situation where they are powerless. There are numerous negative impacts that this has on them, including problems with memory, reduced creativity, worse performance, and higher turnover rates. 

While some people may not resort to actual yelling in the workplace, they instead do "silent yelling--sending flaming emails, making faces or otherwise denigrating employees or simply marginalizing them. In other words, they don't yell, but rather are silent and deadly, nonetheless. 

Businessweek quotes Rahm Emanuel about how he motivates people, "Sometimes--I don't want to say scream at them--but you have to be...forceful."

Rather than yell or scream, the common advice is to bring it down--way down--using measures from taking a deep breath to meditating, counting to ten or waiting 24 hours before responding, describing how you feel to focusing on problem-solving.

The key is to calm down, act with your brains not your brawn, and figure out how to get to the root cause of the problem and solve it. 

People may raise their voice to vent or make a point, in the heat of the moment, or if they are being personally attacked, but in general, as it says in Ethics of Our Fathers, "Who is strong? One who overpowers his inclinations." ;-)

(Source Photo: here with attribution to Soukup)

Shout, Let It All Out or Shut Up and Take 10

Rebuild, Not Regret

The Wall Street Journal (30 July 2013) says that it takes most people at least two years to recover from a breakup or a job loss.

And longer, if the loss is abrupt, sudden--and you are in shock, disbelief, and unprepared. 

When something bad happens, this is an important point in our lives to stop, take some time, and reexamine our lives--Where are we going? How did we mess up? What's really important? How should we rebuild? 

While you can't rush the healing process, I do think that the best medicine (after some recuperative time) is to "get right back on the horse."

When we suffer a loss, we feel traumatized, depressed, anxious, and self-absorbed.

But the best way to overcome those feelings is to take positive action.

Your feelings are important, but I don't think that the bad feelings go away until you replace them with positive feelings.

When my wife used to get some negative people in her life, she used to say, "I need positive energy around me," and I sort of used to laugh, but it's funny, in a way, she was really right. 

Positive energy replaces negative energy. Good feelings replace bad feelings. A good situation replaces a bad one. Rebuilding replaces regret and loss. 

This doesn't mean that when you suffer a loss that the void can ever be filled, but that the only real pain reliever is giving life meaning again--and that means doing something positive with it. 

No, I don't believe in just jumping in to something before you are ready, doing something foolhardy or not well thought out, but you will feel and become better again by coming up with a reasonable plan and working toward it.

Taking positive steps forward is a better scenario than sitting idly in the dumps--for two years or longer, forget it. ;-)

(Source Photo: here with attribution to Michael Kappel)

Rebuild, Not Regret

Worry, Who Doesn't?

Many people worry--they are afraid of all sorts of bad things that can happen. 

And they ruminate on what ifs and what they can do about it--if anything. 

The more people feel they have no control over a negative situation, the more they worry about it--they can feel helpless and hopeless--and this may even lead to depression. 

I remember as a kid my dad telling me a story/joke about this--it went something like this:

One grandmother is talking to another.

She complains how her grandson always worries about going to school. 

The other grandmother says, "Oh really, why?"

The first grandmother tells her that her grandson is worried because "The kids hate him. The teachers hate him. And everyone gives him a hard time."

The other grandmother says, "So why doesn't he go talk the principal?"

The first grandmother answers, "Because he is the principal!"

The moral of the story is that everyone has problems, and has worries, and it doesn't matter who you are--whether you're a kid in school or the principal in charge, a worker in the company or the CEO, and so on. 

I think sometimes we lose sight of the frailty of all human beings and we think mistakingly that just because someone is successful or high up on the totem pole of life that they don't have worries and problems.

Which reminds me of something else my grandfather used to say: "G-d doesn't let any tree grow into the heavens."

No matter how big a person gets, G-d reminds us of who is really boss--so chop chop on the tree and watch that big ego--we're just people. ;-)

(Source Photo of picture: Andy Blumenthal)

Worry, Who Doesn't?

When Desperation Turns Deadly

It was shocking to read that suicide deaths in the U.S. have now surpassed deaths by motor vehicle accidents.

In 2010, there were over 38,000 suicides compared with almost 34,000 motor vehicle deaths (or 14.1 suicides per 100,000 people aged 10 and older versus 10.7 deaths from motor vehicles). 

Motor vehicle deaths have been, thank G-d, declining since 1999, while suicides are unfortunately up by almost a third (31%). 

Suicide for working adults were double other demographics (and highest for those in their 50's), while for teens and the elderly, the rates stayed flat. 

According to the Wall Street Journal (3 May 2012), for middle-age people 35-64, suicide is now the 4th highest cause of death after cancer, heart disease, and unintentional injury (e.g. drowning). 

Suicide prevention efforts that have typically been directed to at-risk teenagers and the elderly are now being looked at for greater focus on middle-aged adults. 

The article points to tough economic times (with the recession of 2007) as a potential factor in the increase. 

I would assume also that the 10 years of war in Iraq and Afghanistan have contributed to the increase as well due to posttraumatic stress disorder. 

Yet, suicide is a very final act of escape for those acutely suffering from economic hardships, the horrors of war, and depression--and we can only imagine how much pain these people must be feeling to do the unthinkable. 

I am familiar with teenagers and adults taking or attempting suicide--some have survived and others have died. 

For those lucky enough to survive, they have the opportunity to rebuild their lives and try again, while those who didn't make it, their loved ones suffer with the emptiness that was once a loving and caring individual, part of their lives. 

I was taught in Yeshiva that suicide is a very grave sin and people don't have the right to take the life that G-d granted them, but in my mind, those who suffer so as to attempt or commit suicide are probably not in a state of mind or in full control of themselves to be fully responsible. 

It is worth thinking about that if 38,000 actually commit suicide a year, how many more attempt it, contemplate it often, or otherwise consider it occasionally. 

People need help coping. I remember learning in English class in college that "all men live lives of quiet desperation," and I wonder how many are out there suffering inside--at times desperate, but usually putting a smile on their faces. 

We need to look beyond the surface of what people are going through, have empathy, have mercy, and give plentifully of your time, and kindness to all--you may just be saving a desperate life from taking that one last and unforgiving step. 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

When Desperation Turns Deadly

Sorry Amanda Todd

Just watched this video with my daughter about Amanda Todd, the 15 year old girl from Canada who hung herself on Wednesday. 

She made some mistakes with some guys--looks like she was taken advantage of--and then she was ruthlessly bullied, tormented, tagged, shamed, followed, beaten, and encouraged to kill herself. 

After depression, anxiety, drugs, alcohol, cutting, and drinking bleach, she finally hung herself and is gone. 

To those horrible people that pursued this young women and essentially murdered her--you are vile and disgusting and G-d will one day bring you to final judgement. 

To the family of Amanda Todd, our heart, prayers, and sympathy goes out to you--your daughter and all decent people like her deserve better from society. 

If we can only learn from this tragedy, perhaps her death will not have been in vain. 

She wrote: "I have nobody. I need somebody. :(" 

Hopefully, she is now with the heavenly father--and has not just somebody, but the one that matters the most.

Sorry Amanda Todd

Let People Feel

Dr. Ben Bissell has a terrific presentation on Managing Change and Transitions.

Basically Bissell explains that when we face Significant Emotional Events (SEEs)--major life changes (personally in our lives or professionally)--we go through 5 stages:

- Shock (i.e. Denial)--I Can't Believe it!

- Emotions (e.g. Anger)--How could this happen to me?

- Bargaining--Do we have to do it today?

- Depression (i.e. grief)---I can't take it anymore!

- Acceptance--1) Intellectual--If that's what they want! 2) Emotional--Ride the train or be run over by it.

When we have major life change, we can experience loss in terms of control, influence, respect, freedom, security, identity, competence, direction, relationship and resources--in essence, we are forced out of our comfort zone and must transition.

Since according to Biseell "all change produces loss (and fear), and all loss must be grieved, it is understandable why these stages of transition track to the Kubler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief.

Bissell explains that getting through these stages is not quick and takes a minimum of one and a half years to make it all the way through the 5 stages--during which time, it's normal to feel abnormal. 

The problem is when you get stuck in one of these five stages, then you either:

- Get burned out and quit

- Act out and get difficult

- Become sick, physically or emotionally (e.g. migraines, chronic depression, etc.)

Some ways we can help people get through changes is to:

- Recognize and accept that these stages are normal and necessary.

- Give people a safe place to vent their feelings (i.e. low morale = unresolved anger).

- Increase information flow--when people are undergoing severe life change, you need to counter the tendency for distorted perceptions and help them see where they are going and how they will get there.

- Maintain other elements of stability and familiarity in the person's life--this gives comfort.

- Protect your health--your body, your breathing, your pace of eating and living, and your sleep.

- Give yourself time and space to play, be silly, be foolish, unwind (or else you will pop).

Bissell recognizes that the pace of change is continually increasing and "technology is seeing to that."

Therefore, there is an increased urgency to help people deal with change in healthy ways--working through the stages of transition.

However, from my perspective, when people suffer huge losses in their lives, they never really get over it. The loss is always there, even if it's just behind the scenes rather than out front like the first year or so.

When it comes to loss, people can experience enormous pain, which gets engraved in their consciousness and memories, and we should not expect them to just get over it.

In other words, it's okay to incorporate feelings of loss and grief into who we are--it is part of us and that is nothing to run from or fear. 

Just like good events can having lasting positive impacts in our lives, so do severe disruptions and grief.

People will progress and continue to heal, but they will always feel what they feel--good and bad--and we should never take that away from them.

(Source Photo: here with attribution to LiquidNight)

Let People Feel

"Sexual Healing"--Marvin Gaye Wasn't Kidding

Ok, so the only topic that can compete with the killing of Osama Bin Laden (OBL) this week is an an article about sex--what???

No, I am not trying to be crude or vulgar. The Wall Street Journal, 3 May 2011, in the Health Journal reports that research show numerous health benefits to sex.

As if the mere act of procreation wasn't enough already...research now shows that sex:

- "Relieves stress" ("there's a relaxation response and a satiation response")--what's new there?

- "Improves sleep and burns calories"--ok, more no brainers as it "burns an estimated five calories per minute"--did anyone say competition with Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig? :-)

- "Reduces pain" ("you lie there and life is great")--who has time to think about pain?

- "Eases depression...improves mood"--ditto with the above

- "Strengthen blood vessels"--it's good exercise!

- "Boosts the immune system"--a perk up all around.

- "Lowers the risk of prostate and breast cancer"--Thank G-d!

Of course, there are chemical explanations for pretty much all these things: hormones, neurotransmitters, endorphins, testosterone, estrogen, prostaglandins, dopamine, prolactin...(OMG, no wonder, I never went to medical school).

But maybe the greatest gift of all, aside from the pure love and intimacy are several studies which suggest that "sex extends life in general"--almost like the holy grail of health benefits:

For men, those "who had sex less than once per month were twice as likely to die in the next 10 years than those who had sex once per week." While for women, those "who said they enjoyed their sex lives lived 7-8 years longer than those who were indifferent."

Like I said, maybe the only story of the week that can compete with the U.S. dealing the final blow to OBL.

Oh, what a week. ;-)

"Sexual Healing"--Marvin Gaye Wasn't Kidding