Tips Jar

Sense of humor when it comes to asking for tips.  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Tips Jar

Isn't This Brand Just A Little Too Forward

Can't believe they actually sell a brand of soap called: "Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Liquid Soap."

And they have a hand sanitizer version too. 

This product's naming, labeling, and marketing is over-the-top even for a spoof product. 

Ah, I think I'll forever hold off on the handshaking even if there is an after-Covid.  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Isn't This Brand Just A Little Too Forward

How To Keep A Secret

This was a saying from the movie, The 2nd, that I liked:

Three people can keep a secret. 

When two are dead!

It's similar to when you ask someone a question that they don't want to answer and they say:

I can tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.  

Both of these make a lot of sense, LOL.  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

How To Keep A Secret

There's Someone For Everyone

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called, "There's Someone For Everyone."

I'm sitting resting on Shabbat, minding my own business, and reading the Favorite Tales of Sholom Aleichem, but then my wife tells me a story circulating in the news that seemed like it could even be one better. At least my exaggerated version of it did as a tall tale in the making.

It starts like this: There is a woman who did not have a lot of luck with men...

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

There's Someone For Everyone

Pink Bear

Does a pink bear sh*t in the woods?

Like a politician speaks falsehoods!

My dad would rightfully say, "Be careful, don't step in the hoy[t]a!"

Compliments of some good old Native American humor. 

At one point, probably from Reader's Digest! :-)

(Credit Photo; Andy Blumenthal)

Pink Bear

Overpriced Desk Chairs

I went on this website for some deck chairs.

They had this nothing of a chair called the Harborside for almost $500. I was looking for 2 chairs, so that would've been a whooping $1,000 almost.

After a while on their web page, a chat box came up asking if I needed any help. 

It was funny because the guys name was Jake, as in the commercial, "Hi, this is Jake from State Farm!"

Anyway, I must've been annoyed at their ridiculous prices and I had this farce of a dialogue with Jake. 

Jake: Hello, We see you are checking out.  Can we help in any way?

Me: trying to download a 25% off coupon...can you assist?

Jake: We don't have any coupons or discount codes. 

Me: Just overpriced then.  {smiley}

Me: Why do you charge so much for such cheap merchandise?

Jake: It's grade A teak which is the highest quality grade you buy but go on.

Me: It's a tree! Why should I pay $1000 for 2 small desk chairs.  There is plenty of tweak in the forest for free!

Me:  Can you explain?

Jake: *Teak. You're more than welcome to grow your own forest and make these but you'll have to move to a warmer climate. You can educate yourself better with our guide here [and he attached a link]. 

Me: Hmmm. Would you pay $1000 for thee little wooden chairs. 

Me: Also, I'm pretty educated.  TY

Jake: Yes, I have 4 on [my grandmother's porch]

Me: You didn't pay $2000 for 4 chairs for your grandmother's porch.  NO WAY!  I bet you got a big employee discount. 

At which point, the chat box quickly bleeped off the screen!

Jake from State Farm...you didn't really buy 4 chairs for your grandmother for $2000 did you???  ;-)

(Credit Photos: Andy Blumenthal)

Overpriced Desk Chairs

Super Cufflinks

If you've got to wear cufflinks then they might as well be Superman Cufflinks!

These will definitely make you feel special. 

Maybe like a quasi Superhero. 

Some may think you're a little arrogant and all that. 

But maybe you just are hoping to be super at whatever you do. 

It's good to have an imagination and aspiration, and maybe a little sense of humor and fun. 

As long as you don't let it go to your head or to your pompous a**. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumetnhal)

Super Cufflinks

Forgot To Bring Blood

So I go for some blood work today.

Lady pokes my arm, and nothing comes out. 

She moves the point of the needle around and around-- still no blood. 

She says: "Hey, it's your fault!"

I say: 

You're right, no one told me that I was supposed to bring blood with me today. 

She looks up and says, "Okay let's try the other arm!"

Then she spanks the arm...and I blurt out laughing, "hey do that again!"

Then poke, poke, and the blood easily fills a half dozen tubes.

She's said, "You see that worked!"

I said:

I only brought blood in my right arm today!

If I could read her mind: "Ok, get the F*** out of the office."

But she was nice and actually says, "You can get your results in about 3 days."  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Forgot To Bring Blood

Reach Out And Grab Ya

This is a candleholder. 

But in a bizarre way it looks almost like a toilet. 

The place for the candle is the toilet!

Sort of would make a pretty scary toilet in real life if the back of it (ie. tank) has a body with arms that looks like it is reaching out to grab you as you take your royal seat. 

Hey, someone let me out of here!

Ok, I have definitely been shut in too many days due to this Coronavirus thing. 

I am imagining the world's scariest toilets. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Reach Out And Grab Ya

Life In The Times of Coronavirus

I heard my daughter laughing from another room.

A real hearty bellyaching laugh. 

Then she came in and shared a WhatsApp post from one of her friends which said:

I ate 11 times and took 5 naps and I woke up and it's still today!

Then I couldn't stop laughing. ;-)

(Credit Graphic: Andy Blumenthal)

Life In The Times of Coronavirus

The Dog Diet

Funny story from a wonderful relative of mine...made me laugh during this coronavirus outbreak.
-------------------
"I interrupt the COVID-19 pandemic to bring you this lil story...

Last night I went to Sam’s Club to buy a bag of food for my dogs.

Already in line, a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

I stare at her (those who know me will imagine my gaze 🤔😳) ...but then why would I be buying dog food...right? 😝😝

So on impulse I told her no, that I didn’t have a dog, that I was starting the dog food diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but 15 pounds less!

I told her that it was the perfect diet and that all you had to do is carry the kibbles in your pocket and eat one or two every time you feel hungry (I have to mention that practically everyone in line was interested in my story).

Frightened, the woman asks me if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food had poisoned me. I answered...of course not!

I was admitted because I bent down to smell the butt of a bulldog and I was hit by a truck 😂😂😂

I thought the man behind her was going to have a heart attack...he was laughing so hard!

...Let’s continue promoting reading! 😁

I have to confess...I posted this to make you smile. It's your turn to copy/paste it and make someone else laugh.

We need to laugh more! Have a GREAT DAY😄😄😄"

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

The Dog Diet

Cannibals Love To Have You For Dinner

I love this saying from one of my colleagues in the National Security field about the Middle East:

If you aren't invited for dinner, you're likely on the menu!

Oh how true it is. 

It reminds me of a mother-in-law joke my father used to tell about this guy telling his friend:

Yeah, we had my mother-in-law for dinner. And boy was she good!

Anyway, no one can tell a joke like he did. 

Last thing you want to be is on the menu. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Cannibals Love To Have You For Dinner

Now Dat's Customer Service

This was a sign that talks to a real customer service orientation:

"Suppose we refund your money.

Send you another one without charge.

Close the store.

And have the manager shot...

Would that be satisfactory?"

Actually no, that's not good enough!

While you're at it...

Bow down and kiss my filthy feet.

Flagellate yourself with 40 lashes using a wet noodle. 

Give me a complimentary supply of whatever the crap is I was buying for life.

And after you shoot the manager, hang him from the tallest tree for everyone to get the message.  LOL

Now dat's customer service!  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Now Dat's Customer Service

Who's Fasting For Whom

Today is the Jewish fast day of Tzom Gedaliah. 

Gedaliah had been appointed governor of Israel by the Babylonian conquers in 423 BCE.  However, within the year, Gedaliah was assassinated. This resulted in the remaining Judeans fleeing to Egypt and the Babylonian exile being firmly established until the return from this exile in 371 BCE. 

Literally for thousands of years the relatively small Israelite nation in the Holy Land was repeatedly attacked and conquered by the large surrounding empires of the Assyrians, Egyptians, Babylonians, Persians, Greeks, Romans.

Despite this punishing history, when it came to the Fast of Gedaliah, my father used to inject a little light humor and say:

Gedaliah didn't fast for me, so I am not going to fast for him.

I can still hear his words in my head and even now it still brings a warm smile to my face and happiness inside me. 

Upcoming next week is Yom Kippur--fasting and atonement. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Who's Fasting For Whom

Breakthrough Hybrid Car Technology

Saw this photo on Facebook.

Thought this was just too excellent. 

Yes, a new hybrid car.

- The chassis goes one way.

- The passenger compartment goes the other way. 

Was the engineer on hallucinogenics? 

Or perhaps, this is some super secret new technology for easy parallel parking. 

Think about it, if the car is driverless than what difference does it make anyway? ;-)

(Source Photo: Facebook)

Breakthrough Hybrid Car Technology

Is Beer A Color?

So thought this was an interestingly funny flip chart. 

It's titled "Colors".

And it has the typical ones you'd expect: blue, red, green, yellow, orange, purple, black, white, grey, brown, and tan. 

But thrown into the mix is beer (and Summer)--maybe these go together! 

Perhaps, someone had a little too much beer when asked about colors.

On second thought, maybe beer is a color.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Is Beer A Color?

Fire Alarm, Now What?

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel, called "Shabbat Menucha." 

Friday night–the start of the Shabbat–oh, thank G-d we made it (and TGIF). Usually such a wonderful time to catch up on some extra sleep from the whole week of work. But last night it’s different…the fire alarm suddenly comes alive and the voice over the loud speaker tells everyone to exit the building immediately. It is 1:00 AM in the morning.

Carrying a head cold, medicated, and sleepless, this is what happened to me.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Fire Alarm, Now What?

What Did The Turkey Say To The Chicken?

"Misery loves company" -- even with a chicken and turkey.

Someone always has it worse.  

Too funny!  ;-)

Thank you to my son-in-law for sharing these.  

What Did The Turkey Say To The Chicken?

Bad Little Mousey

So a colleague told me about an awful experience at work. 

They came into the office and had a big surprise. 

I won't ask you to guess what it was. 

I'll start off by giving you a hint.

It came from a mouse. 

Yep, they actually had what they called, "mouse poop" on their desk. 

Have to laugh even at the term...

But this is not what you want to have to deal with first thing in the morning, or anytime for that matter. 

What can you do though?

We share the world with other living creatures and if they want to poop on your desk--what are you really gonna do about it? 

I suggested setting some traps, but they said they want to see if it happens again. 

That's two too many times for me.

Now though I learned to be grateful if my desk is poop-free. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Bad Little Mousey

Anus Protectus

So I learned this new phrase today:

"Anus Protectus"

It's what it sounds like.

It when you communicate (or do) something in order to "cover your a*s."

Sometimes we communicate as an FYI.

Other times as a FYSA.

And then there is the CYA. 

All of these are what we call "Purposeful communications."

The only real difference is their purposes. 

When you open your mouth or your email make sure you know your:

- Why (intent)
- Who (audience)
- How (persuasion techniques)

These are the secret sauce of good communication. 

More blogs to come on this important topic. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Anus Protectus