A Bissel Humor

 
Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "A Bissel Humor."

In short, sometimes Jews can be so serious (and even a little miserable from circumstance, of course), and we can't always afford good therapy, so we use humor to cope and get along.

One of life's great lessons is to use words to make people happy and laugh whenever you can, to raise their spirits, your own, and even give the Almighty a good laugh or two as well.

(Credit Photo: cottonbro studio via https://www.pexels.com/photo/happy-couple-in-candlelight-4038287/)

A Bissel Humor

On Line For 1 Potato

Wow, this guy waited on line at the supermarket to buy one single potato. 

That's right, nothing else.

He wasn't a poor guy or anything, just a regular Joe. 

I couldn't help myself and said: "what do you do with just one potato?"  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

On Line For 1 Potato

What's in the Cholent?

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "What's in the Cholent?"

Anyway, for all of you who have had the experience, I am sure that you will agree that it's truly not a Shabbat meal without a big pot of cholent (or, should I say, dafina, as my Sephardic friends say). And it's not a bowl of cholent that you want to eat unless you've hand-picked every single scoop of it yourself, even if you don't quite know what it is you're looking for to begin with.

(Credit photo: Becky via https://www.flickr.com/photos/35694730@N00/2738330081/in/photolist-5aYE8B-5LdtsL-5YkAgM)

What's in the Cholent?

Some Shabbos Chuckles

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "Some Shabbos Chuckles."

People never fail to amaze me in both their potential as well as in their idiosyncrasies. But the last number of weeks have really brought home that while we Jews share many commonalities, there are also quite a few quirky differences, and many of these are worth sharing.

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Some Shabbos Chuckles

Ten ‘Points to Ponder’

 
Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "Ten 'Points to Ponder'."

My dear father, Fred Blumenthal (ZT”L), like many from his generation, used to read Reader’s Digest. I remember that there was a section called “Points to Ponder,” which I thought was a good title for things that can have a deeper and more profound meaning in our lives. So in this vein, I’d like to share a variety of thoughts that may give you pause to ponder as well.

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Ten ‘Points to Ponder’

Surviving Marriage Meshugas

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called "Surviving Marriage Meshugas."

At the end of the day, like all things, marriage is partially what you make of it and how hard you work at it. Remember, bringing two people together, even two halves of the same whole, can be challenging and requires understanding and compromise.

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Surviving Marriage Meshugas

Frog Parking

Funny sign in the park:

Frog Parking Only

All Others Will Be Toad 

I hope I don't get toad! ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
 

Frog Parking

Tips Jar

Sense of humor when it comes to asking for tips.  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Tips Jar

Isn't This Brand Just A Little Too Forward

Can't believe they actually sell a brand of soap called: "Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Liquid Soap."

And they have a hand sanitizer version too. 

This product's naming, labeling, and marketing is over-the-top even for a spoof product. 

Ah, I think I'll forever hold off on the handshaking even if there is an after-Covid.  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Isn't This Brand Just A Little Too Forward

How To Keep A Secret

This was a saying from the movie, The 2nd, that I liked:

Three people can keep a secret. 

When two are dead!

It's similar to when you ask someone a question that they don't want to answer and they say:

I can tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.  

Both of these make a lot of sense, LOL.  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

How To Keep A Secret

There's Someone For Everyone

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called, "There's Someone For Everyone."

I'm sitting resting on Shabbat, minding my own business, and reading the Favorite Tales of Sholom Aleichem, but then my wife tells me a story circulating in the news that seemed like it could even be one better. At least my exaggerated version of it did as a tall tale in the making.

It starts like this: There is a woman who did not have a lot of luck with men...

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

There's Someone For Everyone

Pink Bear

Does a pink bear sh*t in the woods?

Like a politician speaks falsehoods!

My dad would rightfully say, "Be careful, don't step in the hoy[t]a!"

Compliments of some good old Native American humor. 

At one point, probably from Reader's Digest! :-)

(Credit Photo; Andy Blumenthal)

Pink Bear

Overpriced Desk Chairs

I went on this website for some deck chairs.

They had this nothing of a chair called the Harborside for almost $500. I was looking for 2 chairs, so that would've been a whooping $1,000 almost.

After a while on their web page, a chat box came up asking if I needed any help. 

It was funny because the guys name was Jake, as in the commercial, "Hi, this is Jake from State Farm!"

Anyway, I must've been annoyed at their ridiculous prices and I had this farce of a dialogue with Jake. 

Jake: Hello, We see you are checking out.  Can we help in any way?

Me: trying to download a 25% off coupon...can you assist?

Jake: We don't have any coupons or discount codes. 

Me: Just overpriced then.  {smiley}

Me: Why do you charge so much for such cheap merchandise?

Jake: It's grade A teak which is the highest quality grade you buy but go on.

Me: It's a tree! Why should I pay $1000 for 2 small desk chairs.  There is plenty of tweak in the forest for free!

Me:  Can you explain?

Jake: *Teak. You're more than welcome to grow your own forest and make these but you'll have to move to a warmer climate. You can educate yourself better with our guide here [and he attached a link]. 

Me: Hmmm. Would you pay $1000 for thee little wooden chairs. 

Me: Also, I'm pretty educated.  TY

Jake: Yes, I have 4 on [my grandmother's porch]

Me: You didn't pay $2000 for 4 chairs for your grandmother's porch.  NO WAY!  I bet you got a big employee discount. 

At which point, the chat box quickly bleeped off the screen!

Jake from State Farm...you didn't really buy 4 chairs for your grandmother for $2000 did you???  ;-)

(Credit Photos: Andy Blumenthal)

Overpriced Desk Chairs

Super Cufflinks

If you've got to wear cufflinks then they might as well be Superman Cufflinks!

These will definitely make you feel special. 

Maybe like a quasi Superhero. 

Some may think you're a little arrogant and all that. 

But maybe you just are hoping to be super at whatever you do. 

It's good to have an imagination and aspiration, and maybe a little sense of humor and fun. 

As long as you don't let it go to your head or to your pompous a**. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumetnhal)

Super Cufflinks

Forgot To Bring Blood

So I go for some blood work today.

Lady pokes my arm, and nothing comes out. 

She moves the point of the needle around and around-- still no blood. 

She says: "Hey, it's your fault!"

I say: 

You're right, no one told me that I was supposed to bring blood with me today. 

She looks up and says, "Okay let's try the other arm!"

Then she spanks the arm...and I blurt out laughing, "hey do that again!"

Then poke, poke, and the blood easily fills a half dozen tubes.

She's said, "You see that worked!"

I said:

I only brought blood in my right arm today!

If I could read her mind: "Ok, get the F*** out of the office."

But she was nice and actually says, "You can get your results in about 3 days."  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Forgot To Bring Blood

Reach Out And Grab Ya

This is a candleholder. 

But in a bizarre way it looks almost like a toilet. 

The place for the candle is the toilet!

Sort of would make a pretty scary toilet in real life if the back of it (ie. tank) has a body with arms that looks like it is reaching out to grab you as you take your royal seat. 

Hey, someone let me out of here!

Ok, I have definitely been shut in too many days due to this Coronavirus thing. 

I am imagining the world's scariest toilets. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Reach Out And Grab Ya

Life In The Times of Coronavirus

I heard my daughter laughing from another room.

A real hearty bellyaching laugh. 

Then she came in and shared a WhatsApp post from one of her friends which said:

I ate 11 times and took 5 naps and I woke up and it's still today!

Then I couldn't stop laughing. ;-)

(Credit Graphic: Andy Blumenthal)

Life In The Times of Coronavirus

The Dog Diet

Funny story from a wonderful relative of mine...made me laugh during this coronavirus outbreak.
-------------------
"I interrupt the COVID-19 pandemic to bring you this lil story...

Last night I went to Sam’s Club to buy a bag of food for my dogs.

Already in line, a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

I stare at her (those who know me will imagine my gaze 🤔😳) ...but then why would I be buying dog food...right? 😝😝

So on impulse I told her no, that I didn’t have a dog, that I was starting the dog food diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time, but 15 pounds less!

I told her that it was the perfect diet and that all you had to do is carry the kibbles in your pocket and eat one or two every time you feel hungry (I have to mention that practically everyone in line was interested in my story).

Frightened, the woman asks me if I ended up in the hospital because the dog food had poisoned me. I answered...of course not!

I was admitted because I bent down to smell the butt of a bulldog and I was hit by a truck 😂😂😂

I thought the man behind her was going to have a heart attack...he was laughing so hard!

...Let’s continue promoting reading! 😁

I have to confess...I posted this to make you smile. It's your turn to copy/paste it and make someone else laugh.

We need to laugh more! Have a GREAT DAY😄😄😄"

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

The Dog Diet

Cannibals Love To Have You For Dinner

I love this saying from one of my colleagues in the National Security field about the Middle East:

If you aren't invited for dinner, you're likely on the menu!

Oh how true it is. 

It reminds me of a mother-in-law joke my father used to tell about this guy telling his friend:

Yeah, we had my mother-in-law for dinner. And boy was she good!

Anyway, no one can tell a joke like he did. 

Last thing you want to be is on the menu. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Cannibals Love To Have You For Dinner

Now Dat's Customer Service

This was a sign that talks to a real customer service orientation:

"Suppose we refund your money.

Send you another one without charge.

Close the store.

And have the manager shot...

Would that be satisfactory?"

Actually no, that's not good enough!

While you're at it...

Bow down and kiss my filthy feet.

Flagellate yourself with 40 lashes using a wet noodle. 

Give me a complimentary supply of whatever the crap is I was buying for life.

And after you shoot the manager, hang him from the tallest tree for everyone to get the message.  LOL

Now dat's customer service!  ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Now Dat's Customer Service