Build Others Up

I saw this in one of the student lounges at the local JCC.

It says:

"Don't Cut Down Others"

It's far better to build people up then to tear them down. 

Jut like with trees, it's better to plant a trillion trees than deforest the Amazon Rainforest. 

Trees are life and people are life. 

Be constructive and not destructive. 

Offer a nice word or compliment; provide an attentive and empathetic ear; give direction with some advice or guidance; lend a hand to someone in need; and in general, be a good influence. 

Unfortunately, too many people default to cutting down the old cherry tree! ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Build Others Up

Story About Dressing Modestly

One of my good friends told me a funny story.

The friend of his daughter was wearing one of those cropped shirts which expose the belly.

She said that her dad told her to throw a party for her clothes, so that her shirt could meet her shorts.

I guess all dads worry about the modesty of their daughters.

This was a good tznius story that hammers home the point and is also pretty funny. ;-)

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Story About Dressing Modestly

Why Only Two, Daddy?

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called, "Why Only Two Daddy?"

The father goes on to explain that these are the commandments that G-d gave to the Jews (when they were redeemed from slavery in Egypt). He enumerates just two examples: keeping the Shabbat and honoring your mother and father. The son asks, 'What are the other commandments?' The father hesitates either not knowing any of the other commandments or simply unable to remember any more of them on the spot. And all of a sudden, the little boy starts wailing to his father: 'Daddy, why do you know only two, why?'

Knowing the Torah and commandments is not only for ourselves to do what's rights, but also to pass on the torch to the next generation. It's not always easy to be good examples, but it's the challenge we all face. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Why Only Two, Daddy?

Take Off Those Shoes

So this was pretty funny. 

We have a sign in our house that people should take off their shoes when they come in. 

Heck, it's part of being a neat freak and somewhat germaphobic.

But of course, the kids invariably don't follow the house rules and we get the shoe dirt all over. 

And guess who has to always clean it up?  

Well the other day, my daughter was looking to purchase a condo, and when she found a place she liked, she was walking around the apartment and saying:

When I have my own place, everyone is going to take off their shoes.

Hmm, when the place is yours and you have to clean up the messes, all of a sudden the house rules are in effect and big time.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Dannielle Blumenthal)

Take Off Those Shoes

No One Cares How You Feel

So parenting is not always an easy job. 

But it is one full of love and helping your kids. 

Sometimes, I remember listening to my kids say that they feel this or that and seeing that it was holding them back from accomplishing their goals.  

Often, I would tell them that the only people that really care about how they feel is your mother and father--but generally-speaking, it a tough world out there, and: 

"No one [else] cares about how you feel."

I tried to focus them--not on being cold and unfeeling--but rather on being strong inside and focusing on the tasks that need to get done. 

Sure, feelings are important, but if you are getting held back from doing what you need to do--then there are times when you need to put the feelings in abeyance and go forward. 

Overall, there is plenty of time to feel what you feel, but don't let anger, fear, or anxiety get in the way of you accomplishing your dreams. 

In a book that I am reading by Amos Oz, "A Tale of Love and Darkness," he writes: 

'I want' and 'I don't want' aren't reasons, they can only be defined as self-indulgence.

Yes, it's a little tough love, but also it is out of true love to help the kids to be willing and determined to try their best and not get held back by anything in the pursuit of the destiny they choose to follow. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

No One Cares How You Feel

Best Baby Carrier Ever

This is just a great picture!

I have to call this out as the best baby carrier ever. 

What a combination between a kangaroo pouch and a cozy snugli.

Anyway, it's comfortable, fun, and good-looking.

Can't you just see your baby in this?  

(Thank you to my son-in-law for sharing this with me)

Best Baby Carrier Ever

Alternatives Are More Valuable Than Criticism

So one lesson of life that I have learned is about criticism. 

It's easy to criticize, but tough to come up with real solutions. 

Criticizing someone else, does not usually provoke a good response. 

UNLESS, you can provide a bona fide better alternative in a loving way. 

It's important to solve problems and not just create new ones. 

Criticizing without an alternative just causes anxiety and frustration in the other person. 

But when you says something isn't right and why, and provide a better alternative, now the other person can see concretely what you are talking about, and they know they have options and that you are trying to help. 

No one wants to be told they are no good or their choices are no good. 

But people don't mind and perhaps may even embrace being told that there is even something better for them out there.

Don't criticize, instead give alternatives that are good for the other person. 

That's real love without being a jerk. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Alternatives Are More Valuable Than Criticism

The Dark Side

Thought this was a fascinating piece in the Wall Street Journal's Review Section called, "The Dark Triad and The Evolution of Jerks."

Antisocial Personality Disorder is where people exhibit three primary symptoms:

1) Narcissism - Excessive focus on oneself.
2) Machiavellianism - Manipulating others for one's own gain.
3) Psychopathy - Overall disregard for others, including impaired empathy and remorse

Together, these 3 traits make up "The Dark Triad" or perhaps they  come across as being from the dark side, because of how badly they can treat others. 

Studies have shown that these three traits are positively correlated with one another, and that more than 10% of the population has these. 

In reading a little more online at WebMD, I learned that the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is that while they share similar traits, a psychopath typically acts as if they have no conscience, while a sociopath acts with a weak conscience. 

"At worst, they're cold, calculating killers," while at the less extreme, they may be okay with hurting others to get what they want. 

- Moreover, while "psychopaths are more cold-hearted and calculating," sociopaths are "hot-headed" and "act without thinking how others will be affected."

Another study found that people with these traits often "experienced low-quality or irregular parental care." Thus a harsh or unstable childhood may cause these symptoms. 

Whether these people come from the dark side, are going to the dark side, or just are scary and hurtful, it is important to be able to recognize who you may be dealing with.

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

The Dark Side

Training Them To Be Like Us

So I saw this in the supermarket. 

This kid was pushing the shopping cart with groceries in it. 

And a little sign at the top that says:

Customer in Training

His mom is nearby with the big shopping cart full of even more groceries. 

It's interesting how we teach our kids to be just like us and at the same time to be not like us. 

They emulate some things and they reject others.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

But no two apples are the same either. 

Teaching is an important component of parenting and schooling. 

We need to impart important lessons from the past, so children don't have to recreate the wheel in the present and future. 

But spitting out little clones is not helpful to innovation and the engine of "what's next." 

Sometimes, I envision that there is a really big war--maybe World War III--nukes are used and all our bits and bytes are wiped out, and we are thrown back to the Stone Age. 

All the teaching is evaporated in the vapor of the blasts.

All that's left in what's in the soul of the remaining. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Training Them To Be Like Us

Impact of Hyperwork on Family

I am seeing this all the time now... 

Parents of little children, or even older children, who are too busy working to pay much, if any, attention to their families.

Call it a disease of the industrial revolution + information technology. 

Whether people worked on the assembly line making widgets or nowadays on the computer and smartphone answering their bosses and colleagues compulsively--it's become a global obsession. 

On one hand, with the impending robot and AI revolution taking over jobs, people need to be grateful to even have a job to earn a living for the families.

On the other hand, with the connections to each other and our work 24/7, the depression-era saying of:

Brother, can you spare a dime?

Has morphed into:

Brother, can you spare some time?

Yes, we all need to be responsible adults, earn a decent living and pay our bills. 

But in the end, it's not money or things that we give to our families that is the most important.  

I would argue money and things are the least important, and what is truly most precious is the love, time, and attention you give to yours. 

As the old saying goes:

Money can't buy love.

But time and attention given to your loved ones can build meaningful relationships that last a lifetime and beyond. 

Yes, of course, people need to work to earn a living and productively contribute something to society, but it is also true that work is used as an excuse to run away from parental and familial responsibilities. 

It's easier to give an Amazon gift certificate or a Gameboy then to actually spend the afternoon with the kids. 

These days, people say ridiculous things like:

I love going into the office to get away from home.  

But you can't run away from your problems at home--you need to work on them and solve them.

The diabolical murderous Nazis used work as a tool to enslave, torture, and exterminate their victims as the sign over the gate of the Auschwitz (and many other) concentration camps read:

Arbeit Macht Frei  (or Work Sets You Free)

But as we all know inside, true freedom is being able to give generously from your time and effort to your loved ones, and slavery is not being able to let go of your work. 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Impact of Hyperwork on Family

Today is Father's Day

What a beautiful Father's Day card from my daughter. 

Also, the message she wrote to me inside was so thoughtful and mature. 

It is wonderful for me to see her grow up to be such a lovely young lady. 

The cover of the card:

"Father:
Neither an anchor to hold us back, 
nor a sail to take us there, 
but a guiding light whose
love shows us the way."

As parents, we certainly don't have all the answers either for ourselves or certainly for our children. 

And frankly, the kids don't want us to tell them what to do or how to do it. 

The best we can really do is to be there for them--to spend time with them, to support them, to show them we really care, and to provide perspective, balance, and faith. 

I used to love going to my parent's house even if just to lay on the couch and feel the comfort of being "home" and with them. 

I didn't have to think about what I did or said--I could just be me, and they loved me for that. 

Now, I want my home to be that for my kids. 

Even though they are adults now, they know we are always here for them in any way that they want or need us. 

Our home is always their home. 

Our love is always surrounding them. 

My father used to say, he would go through fire for his family, and I always knew he meant it. 

I could count on him for anything.

I miss him always, and especially today, Father's Day. 

But I can carry on his fatherhood to my children and try to be a good dad--there, and loving and giving--no bounds, no expectations, no judgment--just love, plain and simple. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Today is Father's Day

Happy Father's Day

So it's Shabbat and that's one of the wonderful times to look at old photos in the albums and boxes. 

Yes, this was before digital photography!

I came across this art that my daughters had given to my father and mother when they were still alive--I think it was plastered on their refrigerator for a while. 

This photo seemed to bridge the past, present, and future for me. 

My parents are gone now to Hashem--already 2 and 3 years--and I still can't believe it. 

At the annual Mother's Day and Father's Day--it's just another time of year to remember how much I miss them all year long. 

For me now, it is also a chance to be grateful for my lovely children that G-d has so gracefully blessed me and Dossy with. 

Smiles, hugs and kisses, love and caring for one another--this is what life is all about.

Father's Day to me is not about the gratefulness of my children to me, but rather of me to Hashem and them to be blessed to be a dad and have the chance to give back to such lovely children--to the next generation that greatly supersedes me and mine!

So I'm crunched in the middle in time between wonderful parents and beautiful children and as my dad would joke, it skipped a generation (hopefully, not really). ;-) 

(Source Photo: My Girls)

Happy Father's Day

Does Unwanted Justify Murder?

This sign pasted all around Washington, DC states that:

"An unwanted fetus would support a woman's right to choose"

This means that a baby who isn't wanted potentially grows up to be abused and would rather not have been born.

However, can anyone really say this with a completely straight face?

Sure, some types of abuse can be so terrible that perhaps death is preferable.

But other times, unwanted children become loved or at least accepted children or otherwise make great things out of their lives!

And parents who didn't think at the time that they could do handle a child, find that they adapt or mature, and are better parents than they even expected. 

Unwanted for an unborn baby shouldn't necessarily mean an abortion anymore than any other unwanted person in your life should mean that you can just terminate them.

We aren't G-d and we can't just get rid of people we don't like or want. 

If that was indeed the case, there probably wouldn't be many of us left in the world. 

Of course, there should be exceptions for abortion in cases of rape, incest, severe birth defects, or a clear and present danger to the life of the mother or child. 

Otherwise, a life is a life, and a fetus is a person with a soul like any other from the Maker of heaven and earth. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Does Unwanted Justify Murder?

Bonding and Independence

It's an interesting phenomenon between parents and children. 

Parents (with G-d as the third partner) birth and raise their beautiful children. 

It is in a way a thankless job that we all savor and do with love, joy, and even gratitude just to have the opportunity. 

From sleepless nights to dirty diapers, homework to honing on how to be a mensch, family outings to school trips, braces to bar/bat- mitzvahs, birthdays to sleepover parties, shopping trips to college choices, as parents there is nothing we won't do for our children. 

Yet, the role of children is to learn and grow to be independent. Children must spread their wings, so they can function as their own adults and parents one day (and hopefully before they are 33 and still living in mom and dad's house)!

Yet to a parent, a child is always their child, no matter how big, smart, or successful they are (and even when, G-d willing, they surpass their parents in height, good looks, and achievements).

My father used to say, "Blood is thicker than water," meaning that it's a harsh world out there and the family always needs to stick together.

As children of Holocaust survivors, I learned that we can't stray to far (or far at all) from either our religion or family, because otherwise, "We let Hitler win."

We grew up living next to my grandparents (1 block away) and later in life, we always lived right near my parents as well. 

I watched TV and ate salami sandwiches with my grandmother and doted over my grandfather who sat on the bimah in his big chair as the president of our then struggling synagogue in Manhattan. 

Similarly, my parents were like surrogate parents to my own children and regularly babysat, picked the kids up from school/camp, made Sabbath meals, and happily spent time with them doing whatever. 

My parents were always there to advise, guide, lend a hand and support...no matter the cost to them, as my father used to say, "I would go through fire for my family" and this--his devotion and integrity--I knew was the utter truth. 

In turn, I tried to be a good son and although I disagreed and fought with my parents (mostly my dad) on many issues (often religious and sometimes politics as remember them), I knew they loved me dearly and I them.

As my dear parents are now gone, and I have become (slightly) a helicopter parent myself with forever worries about how my kids are doing, I know that they need to be independent--and that (more than) sometimes means making mistakes or falling down, and hopefully getting right back up again on their feet.

It is hard to learn that as parents, in many cases, we are just spectators--not that we know everything, we don't, but the maternal and paternal instinct is to safeguard our children whom we love and adore. 

Kids need three things to individuate successfully: stability, consistency, and safety. Absent those, you run the risk of unhealthy knotted bonding and stunted separation anxiety. 

Everyone needs to lead their own lives--we really only have one life to live. Yet, as family, we are very much the foundation and part of their inner strength for everything that follows from their determination, hard work, and blessings from Above. 

For parents and children, it is critical to balance the need for healthy separation and independence with love and bonding that is timeless.

We have to "let go and let G-d" and let our Children. 

The parents are the past and the children are the future, but we mean everything to each other. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Bonding and Independence

Make People and Time Count

So there was an article in Slate about how kids think these days.

And it's a reflection of the adults, of course. 

When 10,000 middle and high school students from 33 schools across the country were asked, what's more important--80% chose high achievement or happiness as their top priority vs just 20% who picked caring for others.

The kids who chose their happiness and achievement over helping others tended to score low on empathy and were at greater risk of being "cruel, disrespectful, and dishonest."

Bottom line is that these are our values that we impart when we recognize and reward our children for things like good grades and extra-curriculars, but not for helping or caring about others. 

Pretty much, I think parents worry that their kids should be able to support and care for themselves, because that's what's considered our primary responsibility as parents--to make sure the next generation survives and can go on physically and materially once we are gone. 

In a way, it's Darwinism and survival of the species and of the fittest. 

The problem is survival of our physical manifestation is not equivalent to the thriving of the spiritual being inside all of us. 

It's not enough to live, but we have to live a good and descent life.

Our bodies wither and die, but our souls learn, grow, and go on to the afterlife. 

Yesterday, I had this freakish accident, going through the turnstiles on the Metro in Washington, DC.

The person before me went right through the gates as they opened, but when I put my pass down and went through, the gates had a glitz and closed suddenly right on my legs (and my artificial hips) and I went tumbling forward hard to the floor. 

Amazingly, two wonderful bystanders (not the Metro employees who didn't even flinch or care) came rushing over to me, and literally lifted me up by the arms and handed me my wallet and glasses which had fallen to the side. 

One of the people that helped was especially nice to me, and he asked me how I was and really seemed to care that I was alright--imagine that a complete stranger in the Metro! 

The two people who stopped to help could've literally hopped right over me to rush for the train at the end of the day like everyone else, but they didn't.

To them, caring was more important than their own time. 

Maybe I got the 20% yesterday, but it made me realize AGAIN how terrific some people are and they truly make time count--by making people count--like unfortunately many others may never ever bother to. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal) 

Make People and Time Count

Aging Yet (Hopefully) Always Helping Each Other

I just love this drawing of the parents and child. 

My daughter found it on Instagram and sent it to me. 

As a little kid, my wife and I used to hold her hands and swing her between us when walking (like in the above illustration)--she loved that!

Now as we get older, we still try to be good, helpful parents (not too intrusive or helicopter-like--well maybe a little), but we can certainly see a day down the line when the cycle of life goes full circle. 

My daughter used to joke (I think) about putting me in an old age home--she knew that after seeing what my mom went through there with Parkinson's, that is truly the last place I would want to end up. 

Of course, sometimes there really is no choice when a person just needs so much care that it is beyond what the family can do any longer. 

Frankly, what I have learned is that the most important and precious thing that parents and children can give each other is...time!

So is that child in the bottom illustration helping his aging parents along or is he dragging them off to the nursing home?  Perhaps, we'll never know until it's too late. ;-)

(Source Photo: Rebecca Blumenthal from Instagram Unlimited Knowledge)

Aging Yet (Hopefully) Always Helping Each Other

Shockingly Hungry

So a funny part of my personality is that I can be a little bit of a joker sometimes.

I am a study of human nature, so it can be fun just to get a rouse out of people, by doing something unexpected or even shocking. 

Today, going through the airport with my daughter, the TSA security lines were a lot better than what had been advertised lately.

As we get through and are getting our stuff together, my daughter says to me (around breakfast time now): "I'm hungry, can we get something to eat?"

So, I jokingly turn to her with a serious face on and say, "But you already ate yesterday!"

This strange man next to us, stops dead in his tracks overhearing what I said, and gives us the craziest look.

So what do I do having a ball with this?

I repeat even louder and with more emphasis, "Why do you need to eat again?  You already ate yesterday!!"

I am having to hold myself from cracking up laughing as I know this guy is listening and I almost can't wait to see his facial expression. 

I look at my daughter who gets it and is playing along and she is also pretending and putting on a sour face like she can't have any food today.

The guy looks like he is about to explode and say something, but decides I suppose to just make a real disgusted kvetchy face and move on.

I was sort of disappointed that he didn't want to help (in his mind) this kid and say something like, "How can you do that--and not feed her every day?"

I would have admired him for actually caring enough to try to help and intervene for someone else, even a stranger. 

But I guess the pent up shocked look will have to surface for today's human antics. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Shockingly Hungry

Take Your Family Issues To Work Day

So we all love Take You Child(ren) To Work Day.

It's a great idea to bond with our children and share our work life with them.

This way they know what mommy and daddy do and also a little of what work is like. 

But one of the funny things I noticed is how uncomfortable most parents seem with their kids around them in at work. 

They have this worried and kvetchy look on their face.

They are crossing boundaries between personal/family/home life and professional/work life. 

What is at once two-faces, two distinct roles is now combined for a single day a year. 

Perhaps personal problems from home and between family members is entering the workspace or the problems of work life is evident to your close family members. 

Maybe mommy or daddy really doesn't get along all the well with little Johnny or Rosie all the time or perhaps little Johnny or Rosie is not that perfect little kid you've been showing around in pictures and talking up in the office. 

Similarly, mommy or daddy may not be "all that" in the office that they come home and portray to their family about--that big management position and corner office could be just another run of the mill job and situated in a long row of cubicles deep this way and that. 

In any case, the barriers are being crossed and even if there have been no outright lies told and caught, different sides of the person that are typically kept separate and sacrosanct are converging and the alternate egos and varied personas come head-to-head.

The good news is that the organization usually gives the parents leeway to not really do any serious work when the kids are around for the day and to mostly schlep them to special kids' events in the workplace--everybody get to meet the CEO and have ice cream?

Thus, the unveiling of dual natures and embedded conflicts is kept to a manageable minimum, if not an uncomfortable merging of work and family life. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal) 

Take Your Family Issues To Work Day

STEM Lost And Found

So this was a shirt of a local college campus that I took yesterday. 

It shows aspirations to be all sorts of things...from a doctor and lawyer to a cowgirl and princess. 

However, in this list of  22 professional aspirations there is a noticeable lack of science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM). 

Yes, doctors do have to know science, but not necessarily the type that opens up the world of discovery and innovation like a researcher or scientist!

STEM are the fields that over and over again have been reported as grossly lacking in this country. 

"America Desperately Needs More STEM Students" (Forbes 2012)

"Americas Lack of STEM Students is Bad News For National Security" (US News and World Report June 2015)

Another article in IEEE Spectrum (August 2013) claims that while the "STEM crisis is a myth," still "we should figure out how to make all children literate in the sciences, technology, and the arts."

From my experience, while I certainly get to see a lot of awesome technical talent, I also see and hear too many moans and groans when it comes to a lot of basic skills in STEM.

One colleague said the other day (and in a public forum), "Oh, don't depend on my math skills for that!"

Others that I know have difficulty with everything from simple spreadsheets, backing up their computer files, or even balancing a checkbook, and other such fundamental skills. 

Growing up with a dad who was a math whiz, a sister with a PhD in bio-medical science, and me majoring in accounting, business, and later diving into IT, I learned to appreciate, on many fronts, how important basic STEM skills are, and I in turn used to drill my own kids with workbooks and worksheets--and they perhaps at the time resented me for it, and maybe only later in life, started to love me for caring and trying.

In school, I found a lot of the education in STEM to be lacking coming across too often as esoteric and disappointingly devoid of day-to-day meaning and application in the real world for the regular people not building bridges or spaceships, so I certainly understand the frustration of young people who while they may be interested in pursuing these critical areas of education, may be turned off at the way it's being presented to them. 

We need great teachers who not only know the material, but love what they do and know how to make the material come alive to their students. Also, we need jobs that pay commensurate to the value of the talent and not nickle and dime the developers, researchers, and engineers while lining the pockets of the executive suite. Finally, we should focus the hearts and minds of our people on the real meaning of the work they do and how it helps people and society, and not just on what often comes across as isolated tasks or the organization's free dry cleaning and all you can eat buffet lunches. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

STEM Lost And Found

Why Yell And Intimidate The Child?

So at the table next to us this morning at breakfast was a mean looking lady and a fidgety young child. 

The lady as we found out over the course of their dialogue was the child's grandmother. 

And she wouldn't stop berating this kid, maybe 5-years old. 

Grandmother: "Don't you dare get up from the table until I'm done with my coffee, [and then this weird chilling] thank you."

Child: Obviously looking to run around and have some fun, "But I just want to go."

Grandmother:  Who has finished her breakfast and coffee and is just making a continuing point, "You'll wait until I'm done, and I say we're ready, [and again, the long controlling pause and then] thank you."

Child: "I'm tired."

Grandmother: "Then you'll go upstairs, get back into bed and go to sleep, and no tv, just sleep--you will not move!"

Child: Looks up helplessly sad.

Grandmother: Now the truth starts to come out, "You know I don't like the way you treat you mother. Your disrespectful! And that won't go with me."

Child: Appears to not really understand what she is saying and legs dangle anxiously off the chair, but clearly very afraid to get up.

Grandmother: "You'll learn to be respectful to your mother. You will learn!"

Child: Head leaning sideways on table, says nothing. 

Grandmother: Makes child wait some more and more, and finally, "Now we can go."

Child: Child picks head up and runs to take her hand. 

Grandmother: Sneers and smirks with her power over the child--she looks like a freakin' witch. 

Whole scene was sort of heartbreaking. 

My wife and I look at each other, and shake our heads.

This was not teaching or loving, but something else and it wasn't normal or nice. 

I say, "Perhaps, when a child is abused this way--day after day, year after year--this is why they grow up and then do horrible and hateful things."

It's amazing how adults take out their issues on children--and they think it's legit--but deep down you can see it really isn't--and the children and society pays for the sins of the adults. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Why Yell And Intimidate The Child?