Showing posts with label Relative Deprivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relative Deprivation. Show all posts

July 27, 2019

What's It Worth To You?

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called, "What's It Worth To You."
Certainly, passion for being your best, determination to succeed, and even some healthy competition are important factors in driving our own success as well as societal progress, but when keeping up with that scorecard against others becomes the essence of your own self-worth then things have gone too far and way off course.

We each have our mission, strengths, challenges, and so forth. It’s okay in life, if someone else has more of something (money, friends, honor, whatever). Everyone has their own “basket in life” as my father taught me, “and you wouldn’t want to change baskets with anyone else.”

(Photo Credit: Andy Blumenthal)
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November 22, 2018

What Did The Turkey Say To The Chicken?


"Misery loves company" -- even with a chicken and turkey.

Someone always has it worse.  

Too funny!  ;-)

Thank you to my son-in-law for sharing these.  
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October 10, 2017

Feeling A Little Relative Deprivation

So this was a little funny-sad. 

We were taking a walk.

And we passed these two houses side by side. 

One, this tall stately-looking all brick manicured corner house.

The other, this cozy and sort of beat up little white siding house. 

The juxtaposition of these two as neighbors couldn't have been funnier. 

Sort of like strong and determined Rocky and the nebbish that couldn't. 

Listen, there isn't anything objectively wrong with the little older white house.

Taken by itself, it may actually be a nice place to live--as I said, it's sort of charming (even while the other is commanding)! 

But when you put it against the big new brick fellow, it's just a story of relative deprivation ready to be intensely felt. 

Both have a roof over their heads...and both in the same nice neighborhood. 

Yet neighbor and neighbor--but for no reason, one ends up feeling probably a little shitty--that's putting it in comparison, of course.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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September 2, 2017

It's Just Bling

So sitting in synagogue today, my friend Jacob said something very interesting to me.

He was talking about some very wealthy people with multi-millions and even billions. 

And then he says, you know what the difference is between the rich and everyone else:
"Nothing!"

I asked him what he meant by this.

Then he starts listing off to me like this:
"Well, they live in a home, and you live in a home.
They drive a car, and you drive a car.
They eat food and you eat food."
And it was amazing how smart his words were, and it hit me how right he was. 

It's all sort of just in our minds.

Their homes are bigger and nicer; their cars are more luxurious and fancier; their food is better and tastier...but what difference is any of that really.

We both have a roof over our heads to protect us from the elements and a nice place to sleep. 

We both have a car that gets us from here to there and back again. 

We both have food and drink to fill our bellies and nourish us. 

Isn't the rest just a bunch of bling?

It's branding and marketing and the sense of luxury that some are better and have more than others. 

But beyond the essentials, we really don't need any of that!

What we do need is our relationships--people we care about and love and who love us. 

The ability to have a deep impact on others. 

To influence them and make a difference in their lives--in what they do and how they treat others. 

The ability to help people and society. 

The bling is just bling. 

The ability to love and influence that is true wealth. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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July 25, 2017

Conflict - Resolution or Escalation

So I thought this was interesting on the cause of conflict. 

There are four main parts:

1) Deprivation - You believe that someone is depriving you of something you need or want. This could be something physical like money, or an object or it could be inanimate such as love or respect. The feeling of deprivation is anchored in a real or perceived feeling or being deprived of access to resources or the imbalance who has those resources. 

2) Name - You identify the person you feel is causing you this deprivation. 

3) Blame - You blame them for their role in causing you harm. 

4) Claim - You justify the accusation by anchoring it in a claim that the other person has violated some social norm such as taking something that doesn't belong to them or violating an agreement you have with them and so on. 

As the conflict comes to a head, it is clear that people are feeling hurt, that there is a desire to correct the situation, and that you are going to confront the (perceived) culprit and make your case on why what they are doing is wrong and how it should be resolved. 

If you have the wrong person in the cross-hairs, your justification is weak or you're not telling the whole story (i.e. maybe you played a part or harmed the other person too), or the person just won't give you a fair hearing and sincerely work with you to resolve it, then the conflict may escalate from here.  

Usually, it's best to listen, empathize, negotiate, compromise, try to be reasonable, and resolve the situation at the earliest point possible.

If there is a greater conflict or risk to either party involved, then heels may get dug in and all avenues to resolving it can be open including legal and even all out war. 

Conflict is no game, but in some cases it may be unavoidable--and then the ramifications can be earth shattering. 

What to do when you're in a conflict situation? Think before you act, and then think again. 

Ultimately, peace is one of the greatest of blessings. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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June 3, 2017

Satisfied and Bless G-d

I loved Chabad Rabbi Schneur Kaplan's speech today in synagogue.

It was about how we can learn to be happy with what we have in life.

The biggest marketing gimmick is to say to the guy, "Look at what your neighbor has next door!"

Jealousy, desire, greed, having more and better than the next guy/girl...

That's what many people live for and how they think.

Some can have as much as the founders of Apple, Google, and Facebook combined and still it's not enough.

If just one person has something more...it can drive that person crazy.

Like Haman on Purim, who had wealth, power, large family and everyone bowed down to him...

Except one person named Mordecai who wouldn't bow.

And despite having everything, but missing that one thing drove Haman so crazy--it was his downfall!

When we eat, we can be satisfied with one slice of pizza and say grace or we can have four slices and still not be satisfied.

How do we look at things?

We can be grateful for whatever we have and say that G-d gave us just what we needed at this time and place.

Or we can look at what we don't have, and forever be bitter and unsatisfied.

What joy we can experience in life when we realize the graciousness for what G-d has bestowed on us and we are thankful for what we have. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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August 30, 2013

Pleasure At Pain

Why do people laugh and feel pleasure at other people's pain and misfortune?

The Wall Street Journal (20 August 2013) reviews the book, The Joy of Pain, on this topic. 

Schadenfreude is the German word for feeling pleasure at the calamity of others.

And we see people laugh, point, and otherwise gloat when others are hurting physically, emotionally, financially, and so on. 

When they fail and you succeed, you feel strong, powerful, self-confidant, and that you were right--and they were wrong!

Feelings of pleasure at other people's pain is partially evolutionary--survival of the fittest.

It is also a function of our personal greed and competitiveness--where we measure ourselves not by how well we are doing, but rather relative to how others around us are faring.

So for example, we may be rich and have everything we need, but if someone else has even a little more than us, we still are left feeling lacking inside. 

Thus, we envy others' good fortune and take pleasure in their misfortune.

In a sense, our success is only complete when we feel that we have surpassed everyone else, like in a sport competition--there is only one ultimate winner and world champion.

So when we see the competition stumble, falter, and go down, our hands go up with the stroke of the win!

Anyway, we deserve to win and they deserve to lose--so justice is served and that makes us feel just dandy. 

How about a different way--we work together to expand the living standard for all, and we feel genuinely glad for others' success and real empathy for their pain, and they too for us--and we go beyond our pure humanity to something more angelic. ;-)

(Source Photo: here with attribution for Lukas Vermeer)
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October 30, 2011

Satisfy or Suffice

How many of you feel satisfied or are you left still somehow yearning and hungry?
Living in a time and place where materialism is a competitive and daily fact of life for--high paying jobs, big houses, fast cars, Ivy league educations, exotic vacations, fashion and jewelry "statements", elegant restaurants, and lavish parties--it is philiosophically and practical to ask satisfy or suffice.
If we live our lives to satisfy ourselves--then we tend to a society driven by one word, and one word only--"more!"
Our appetites for material things that satisfy our senses are like a bottomless pit--to see beauty, to feel comfortable, to taste delight, to hear endless praise and envy over what we have achieved and accomplished in life--can these cravings ever really be satisfied?
With satisfaction, one of the key issues is that no matter how much we have accumulated or attained, it irks us to no end, if someone else has just a fraction more. This is called relative deprivation--we have everything we need, but we still feel short-changed because someone else has more. It's infinitely hard to be satisfied knowing that, because somehow we have failed...someone else is better off materially, and our interpretation often is that they are better innately than us and thus have gone further than we can or maybe deserve more on a spiritual level--either way another's abundance, regardless of your own successes, can still mean you are a loser!
It's funny, coming off the Metro and watching the mobs disembark from the train and race up the escalators, even when there are not a lot of people there...first one to the top is the winner; everyone else shlumps off somehow defeated afterward. G-d, this has become a sick society--what difference does the 2.347 seconds make?
Educationally, collecting degrees and certifications has become another hobby for many, so that if you don't have alphabet soup before and after your name, your frowned upon as just another ignoramus out there--as if the degree makes the person.
Another example, yesterday I heard that when getting engaged/married, the chic is that it is no longer enough to give a diamond ring to the young lady, now a matching bracelet is also part of the grand bargain or else you are not "keeping up with the Jones."
The examples go on and we can all tell them from our specific lives of the endless rat races that we endure to try and not only make ends meet, but also to compete and avoid "the shame."
So what's the alternative?
Instead of trying to be satisfied, we can learn to suffice--to be happy with what we are blessed with. That doesn't mean that you don't try to do your best in life, you do! But rather, you work hard and invest a reasonable amount of time, effort, money to achieve a goal and then you go on without beating yourself up over what you haven't achieved.
In short, happiness is in saying enough (or like on Passover, Dayenu!).
To suffice, part of it is learning to differentiate between what is really important and what is, in the end, trivial. How important is it that you get the NEXT whatever in your life versus can you be more innately happy spending time doing things you enjoy with the people you really love.
Suffice--learn to balance the demands and needs of your life--grow beyond the mundane; the true test of life is with you yourself--achieving your potential--not how you do relative to others.
An article in Wired (November 2011) talks to this when it asks about going out and finding a soulmate, "Do you keep searching and hope something better will come along, or do you stop searching when you find something looks pretty good?"
This article, whether addressing the many commitment phoebes out there, or those just having a hard time finding Mr./Mrs. Right--whether in terms of accepting and living with others' flaws or just learning to stop looking for someone prettier, smarter, more successful etc.
Wired suggests developing a baseline by dating "roughly" 12 people so that you can make an informed decision of the head and heart, but this can apply to education, career, home and all areas of your life--seek what is best for you, but also realize that we are all imperfect mortals and that only the heaven is for angels.
Suffice--do your very best in life and accept yourself for who you are and meet your destiny head-on--you can achieve happiness beyond the mere materialism and superficiality that cloud our societal judgements--this to me is enlightenment.

(Source Photo: here)

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November 13, 2010

A Spiritual Approach To Material Success

Anyway, I’m reading this book about achieving personal wellbeing and there is a section about a study that was done where people were given two choices:

1) Earn $50,000, while your peers earn $25,000 or

2) Earn $100,000, while your peers earn $200,000

Well, the study found that about half the respondents choose #1—even though they would earn significantly less (i.e. literally half) and be able to afford less in real purchasing power.

In other words, many people choose to be poorer in real terms, in order to be relatively well off compared to their peers.

This is in stark contrast to the notion of collaboration. In leadership classes, books, etc., haven’t we been trained by now to believe that by working together, we can increase “the pie” for everyone? Well, increasing the pie seems appealing to many, only if their slice remains the largest piece!

The question is—why? Is it that people are unabashedly competitive, overwhelming selfish, or endlessly jealous of others? Or is this a survival-based choice, where we are “hardwired” to fight not only to stay alive, but also to achieve status?

Frequently at work—particularly around budget time—we hear people say things like this is “a zero-sum game”—meaning that what goes to one, comes from another. In other words, there is a winner and a loser in every transaction. For example, if I give you the resources, someone else has to give up some resources, so we can achieve our overall budget numbers.

Similarly at performance time, there is typically a “performance pool” with a certain allocation of money available for bonuses. The more that goes to one/some, the less that is available for others.

So despite all the “platitudes” about sharing, in real life a message about competition vs. sharing seems repeated again and again in life, with the doling out of the best education, job opportunities, healthcare, housing, and so on. There are limited/scarce resources and so not everyone is going to get what they want. The message sent to all: you have to compete to get your due—and the more someone else gets, the less that’s available for you.

But is striving for superior status really always desirable?

From a business perspective, there is a compelling case to be made that competition drives performance, and that we need to reward the best performers. At the same time, collaboration and information-sharing can improve our competitive edge. In other words, working with your peers effectively can improve everybody’s chances for success.

However, to many, there is an inherent notion of inequity in promoting competition, because we are all people—all children of G-d—all worthy. Why should some get more than others?

Unfortunately, there is a misperception of what competition is really all about and what it means to succeed.

Many believe or are taught that those that “win the race” are the more deserving—i.e. they are better people, chosen, or selected by fate or DNA; and those that get less are either a lower class or caste, punished or cursed, or that they must simply work less or just don’t try. Many unfair and ridiculous judgments are thus cast on why some have more and less. (Even the people who “lose the race” often feel this way.)

So it is no wonder, when people are asked to choose real or relative wealth, in a way, it is no wonder that so many may choose relative over real wealth—because winning means that they are deserving and therefore better.

If only we could let go of our judgmental attitudes, our superiority complexes, and the notions of entitlements because “we are who we are,” then maybe we could see past the illusion of superiority and move toward a society where we all seek a larger pie for everyone to share and benefit from.

In that world, everyone will chose option #2—to not only do their best, but also to maximize the best for everyone else.

In the end, competition is not with others but with ourselves. And success is helping others succeed, and maybe even being happy for them if they do better than we do.


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October 27, 2008

Fear, Greed, and Enterprise Architecture

Just wanted to thank Jonas Lamis for posting my guest blog, "Fear, Greed, and Enterprise Architecture," on the Architecture & Governance Magazine site.

I think A&G is a great magazine -- down-to-earth and straightforward views on a range of important topics to CIOs, enterprise architects, and other IT professionals.

Kudos to Jonas and his team!
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December 19, 2007

Social-Comparison Theory and Enterprise Architecture

We all compare ourselves to others, that’s human nature, and its part of what’s called Social-Comparison Theory.

The Wall Street Journal (WSJ), 18 September 2007 states that “we compare ourselves to others because it can feel great,” as when we compare ourselves to higher status individuals to improve self-image by association or when we compare ourselves to others less fortunate.
Social comparison can also make us feel horrible when we feel relative deprivation compared to those who have more than us (more money, power, family, friends, social status, even better health, and so on).


While we probably can never stop comparing, we can stop being jealous (in fact, that is one of the 10 commandments). And realizing that “everyone’s got their basket’—that includes both good and bad in life as well as their own challenges and demons to confront, can make this possible.

In the work environment, the feeling of relative deprivation is lessened, when one realizes as the WSJ puts it that “company leaders aren’t [necessarily] the wizards you thought…’a boss has intellectual limitations just like we all do.’”

The WSJ gives a funny example of “when he once rushed past a secretary to speak to an executive, she tried to stop him, implying the boss was busy with important work, [and] ‘he was playing Solitare.’”

So the lesson is we are all human; no super humans out there (like they portray in the TV series Heroes).

From a User-centric EA perspective, it is important to realize as we work with leadership, subject matter experts, users, and other stakeholders inside and out the enterprise that we are all just people. And for EA to be successful in planning or governance, there must be a collaborative effort by many people to make it happen. So don't get frustrated, discouraged, angry, or jealous of others; whether you look up, down, or sideways at the people you work with (or in your private life), have confidence in their humanity and yours, and work the best you can together to make things better today than they were the prior day.
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