When To Build Relationships Or Burn Your Bridges

Why marriages (and relationships) fail is a topic of discussion in the book Fighting For Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg.

The book is anchored in research from the University of Denver and their Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). 

So here are the four main reasons:

1. Escalation--People escalate the fight, rather than deescalate it. Harmful words and actions beget more harmful words and actions as each side tries to win the fight, rather than save the relationship. 

2. Invalidation--You put down the other person (their feelings, thoughts, and character) with sarcasm, disrespect, and contempt, rather than raise them up with understanding, concern, comfort, and encouragement. 

3. Accusation--Assuming the worst, you negatively interpret the actions and motives of another person, rather than looking at and accentuating the positive and giving them the benefit of the doubt.

4. Abandonment--Leaving the person emotionally and/or physically, you withdraw and avoid them and possibly even cheat on them, rather than engaging with and cleaving to each other, and working together to solve problems.

Essentially, these relationship issues all have to do with a breakdown of communication and trust--where instead of trying to work it out, there is a feeling that nothing can be solved by talking anymore and that there is no reason to even trust the other person.

Once trust and communication are broken--it is very difficult to go back and rebuild it.

Then instead of mending fences, people may choose the nuclear option: go to war, fight it out, threaten, hurt, or leave--and the relationship spirals to a timely demise. 

What was once a nuclear family, or close relationship (friends, associates, etc.), may end up a broken and shattered one, full of hatred and as enemy combatants, perhaps not much better than the Hatfields and McCoys. 

So the first thing is you have to decide whether you want to build the relationship or end it. 

If you love the other person and want to be with them (and they with you)--then say and do positive things to maintain communication and trust--give selflessly to each other. 

Relationships thrive when people behave as true friends, looking out for one another, sincerely--when they help their partners achieve their goals, grow as human beings, and find meaning and happiness. 

A relationship is not a business transaction, but a joining of hearts and an intimacy of soul--it is based on mutual respect and goodwill. 

If you really value the other person and the relationship--don't burn your bridges when things get heated, but cross and meet the other person (at least) halfway and embrace them with love and caring--most of the time, it will come back to you. 

But at the same time don't be a fool--if the other person is wicked and cruel, out only for themselves, and would throw you under a bus in a moment--get with it and quick because the bridge is already burning and at a very high temperature. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

When To Build Relationships Or Burn Your Bridges

Hiring and Marrying Great People--Is It Random or Predictable?

The Atlantic (21 June 2013) has a startling article about hiring at Google--"It's a complete random mess."

With all the Google information genius and the brainteasers they test people with, all the rounds of interviews they put them through, they found "zero relationship" between how people scored in tens of thousands of interviews and how they performed in their jobs.

No only didn't the interviews predict good hires, but "colleges didn't matter, GPAs...didn't matter."

Only one guy who was the world's leading expert in something, and was hiring for a very specialized area seemed to be able to weed out the wheat from the chaff in interviews. 

"People are complicated, organizations are complicated, matching people with organizations is complicated."

This reminds me of what it's like to match people for intimate relationships...very, very difficult. Sort of like, men are complicated, women are complicated, and matching men and women is complicated.

Whether matching people to organizations or to each other, getting a good Shidduch is a big challenge and hard to predict the outcome. 

Perhaps that is why the average person goes through seven careers in a lifetime and "50% of all marriages in America end in divorce."

Making a good match with a company or a person is hard--because as I heard as a teenager, "you never know what the person is really like until you wake up with them in the morning"--morning breath, hair messed, bad dreams, pissy moods, and all. 

Similarly, with a company, until you work there and actually have to live the culture and deal with the people, policies, and politics, you won't really know what it's like just by asking around and reading up about them on Glassdoor.

Also, not only do you have imperfect information about the people and jobs when you try and match them up, but people change (organizations do to, but much more slowly--it's a bigger ship to turn around). 

Yes, while past performance are predictors of future performance--good skills and bad habits, they do stick around--at the same time, people do learn, grow, mature, and change--hopefully for the better. 

As the old Jewish saying goes, "with age, comes wisdom"--and hopefully, more mature and better ways of dealing and coping with challenging and complex people and situations. 

So what should you look for--whether in a new hire or a marriage mate? 

Start with a good heart and a good fit; look for a track record of success in life, a hunger to succeed personally and professionally, someone willing to learn and grow, and not be afraid to work hard, have some failures, and get back on their feet again--that's life. 

Say a prayer and don't be fooled by the superficial things or what people just say to get the job or the mate--look for what they do (action speaks louder than words) and remember, personal beauty is more than just skin deep. ;-)

Hiring and Marrying Great People--Is It Random or Predictable?

What Does A Robot And A Spouse Have In Common?

This is a pretty cool advance in robotics. 

The robot doesn't just perform tasks, but it interacts with the person--sensing his movements and thereby anticipating his needs. 

According to Gizmag, this advanced robot was developed by Cornell's Personnel Robot Lab. 

As you can see in the video, the robot sees the person picking up a pot and moving towards the refrigerator, and the robot "understands" and goes to pull open the fridge door. 

In another example, the robot first without anticipating the person moving his coffee cup, pours coffee, spilling it on the table, but then with the special programming, the robot "sees" the person picking up the cup to drink and putting it down, and waits to pour until the cup is in stably in place. 

The anticipatory skills of the robot are based on 120 3-D videos in its database of people doing everyday tasks and extrapolating from it to what is occurring around it. 

The robot's predictions of the person's actions are refined as the person continues to move making the robot's response that much more in tune and precise with the person it is interacting with. 

The less far out in time that the robot has to predict, the more accurate it is: for 1 second out, it is 82% accurate; 3 seconds out, 71% accurate; and 10 seconds out, 57%. 

It is pretty incredible that we are able to program a robot to watch and sense similar to the way we do, and to react accordingly. 

The challenge will be as in the show Lost In Space, where the Robot is often confounded by illogical or unpredictable human behavior, and frequently, repeats "Does not compute." 

People are not programmed like computers--they experience conflicting and complex thoughts and emotions, behave in unpredictable or seemingly illogical ways, may have difficulty making up their minds in the first place, or may change their minds, even multiple times. 

Being a robot in a human world will by necessity mean being adaptable and understanding to changing human moods, whims and desires, and being able to respond quickly and appropriately--sort of like what being married is all about. ;-)

What Does A Robot And A Spouse Have In Common?

Women, Not Things

In the context of the brutal raping and murder last year of a 23-year old women on a bus to the disgusting rape of a 5-year girl more recently in India, the Wall Street Journal (17 May 2013) has an article on "To Wed Your Rapist, or Not: Indian Women on Trial."

It is an eye-opening article about the prejudices and horrible injustices that women face in India and other countries--and it's not only due to the misogyny of some, and power- and pleasure-seeking of others, but it is based also on justices, lawyers, law enforcement, legislators, and spiritual figures in society that perpetuate the oppression of woman. 

Some societies are stacking the deck, so women cannot reasonably win due protection--from legislators who do not write and pass substantive and equitable laws to protect women, to law enforcement that will not commit the resources to pursue the rapists and women beaters, to lawyers and judges that raise ridiculous demands for proving guilt and sentencing, and to spiritual leaders that blame the victim rather than hold the perpetrators to task. 

These people who are supposed to bring justice to the victims, instead add insult to injury. Some of these include:

- Ruling against rape victims because they didn't successfully fight back. For example, a "lower court ruled that she was lying citing among other things the fact that she could have scratched the man's genitals, but didn't."

- Professing that victims are at fault for causing the rape, such as by wearing skirts, having male friends (i.e. "asking for it"), or otherwise dressing or behaving immodestly. At the extreme, one prominent spiritual figure actually held that the victim could've avoided trouble if she had "chanted a prayer, taken one of her attackers by the hand, and called him 'brother'"--as if one can convince an attacker not to attack by holding their hands and gushing brotherhood.

- Teaching that rape is not possible for strong women or those of a labor caste. A 2005 textbook stated, "In normal circumstances, it is not possible for a single man to hold sexual intercourse with a healthy adult female in full possession of her senses against her will." Oh, really? I doubt these teachers would like to test this hypothesis on their beloved mothers, sisters, wives, or daughters.

In Indian and other societies where women are so degraded, there is a standing notion of a rape victim having to marry their rapist--to make things right. Yet, how can this resolve anything? As if the incident of rape is not enough, the victim must endure a lifetime of rape--and by an individual without character or soul, who could commit such a brutal, violent act to begin with. 

Forcing the victim to marry the rapist does not spare a woman the challenge of marrying normally after such an traumatic act, but rather it precludes her from ever having an opportunity to rid herself of the pain and shame, and go on to be with someone who truly loves and respects her as a person, and not an object. 

As long as societies marginalize women through their beliefs, teachings, and systems of injustice, women will not be spared the agonizing harm they suffer by men who abuse their status of power. But as the old saying goes, "what goes around, comes around,"--what is incredible is that so many of these people just see it going, but don't see it coming. 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Women, Not Things

Still In Love After 58 Years Together

My mom and dad are still in love after almost 58 years of marriage. 

While I already knew how special they were to each other--through thick and thin--when my mom took my dad's hand at the table, and said he has always been the love of her life, it was just beautiful. 

Their life has certainly not been easy--escaping from Nazi Germany as children, losing most of their education, and coming to this country with literally nothing. But they worked hard, worshipped G-d dutifully, gave charitably, and greatly valued their family and friendships above everything else in this world. 

They are good people and a wonderful role model to all of us, and we have always been like one extended family.

I'll always remember when my mom took his hand and said how much he meant to her--it was awesome! 

May God bless them both, always. ;-) 

(Source Photo: Rebecca Blumenthal)

Still In Love After 58 Years Together

Growing And Getting Old Together

The Wall Street Journal had a good book review on "The End of Sex" by Donna Freitas. 

The book is about the casual hook-up culture, where a sexual interaction is brief--like a single night--purely physical, and "no strings" attached--"you just do it, you're done, and you can forget about it."

Essentially it is a purely hedonistic, selfish act, for one's own pleasure--where the other person (if you even know their name) doesn't count. 

The review recounts studies that show that the percentage of undergraduates that have participated in hookups is as high as 65 to 75%!

People are searching a quick fix "without the constraints and sacrifices" that real committed relationships require. 

According to the review, hookups are not liberating and empowering, but denigrating and dehumanizing--where the other person is just a thing to use for self-pleasure.

It can certainly be understandable that college-aged students are driven to exploration and experimentation, and those unattached can be frustrated and alone and are looking for love. 

Whether hookup are the right way to find this--is an individual choice--however from my Jewish upbringing, I was raised to appreciate those who maintain modesty before marriage, because that way the bond of marriage is stronger for it. 

The book review seems to imply that hooking up for sex is perhaps just steps away from "sexual assault"--taking sex through violence --one way or another.  In a sense, the animal nature takes over and the spiritual element and higher connection is absent. Whether the means is consensual or forced, self-satisfaction is the end. 

While sex is a genuine human need, waking up to a stranger--no matter how attractive--is not a great substitute for sharing life's joys (and sorrows) with your true other half, because meaning means more than just the self and the moment. 

On one hand, if people can't find emotional love, then they can be left with the physical aspect of sex alone. On the other hand, even some in relationships may not be in the "right" relationships, and may be left searching for more. And still others may use sex to express their power over others--taking what they want, when they want, and how they want. 

At the most elementary level, people are motivated to pure self-satisfaction, yet as they rise up to higher orders of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, they are driven further to self-actualization. 

Seeing grandparents, parents and others grow a bond of giving and fidelity that is built up over decades is a truly beautiful thing--where love can deepen over time, rather than be forgotten the next morning. 

Meeting other people, dating, and developing relationships are markers on the road for those who are fortunate enough to find their true life partners--those with whom they can grow and get old together with. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Growing And Getting Old Together

The Cow and Two Acres

This photo reminded me of a joke my father used to tell.

It went something like this...

A man often complained that his father-in-law promised him a cow and two acres.

- And he is still waiting for the two acres.

No offense ladies, those were the "olden days." ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

The Cow and Two Acres

To My Dear Wife

It all started on the first night Of Chanukah...  

Yeah, I know it's a miracle! ;-)

(Source Comic At Bitstrips: Andy Blumenthal)

To My Dear Wife

Feminist Power

In the spirit of the election season, this was a funny/serious display of feminist bravado in Washington, D.C. 

Having a big feminist in my family--my wife--I can emphasize with the majority emphasis here.

As my dad says when an issue comes up: "you better ask your better half." 

Let's just say, I've learned after more than 20 years of marriage--that feminism is alive and well--and something to be respected and feared. :-)

Hope you enjoy!

Andy

Feminist Power

G-d's Creation and Man's Adaptation

I took this photo today at the East View of Sugarloaf Mountain. 

This guy is sitting on the rocks towards the summit of the mountain and doing of all things...technology--it's REALLY everywhere!

He is nestled away in the brush and trees on this rock--off the mountain edge--and is typing away on a laptop computer. 

Not what I was expecting in the middle of all this nature, but then again I was guilty of bringing along some of my tech toys too. 

And at one point--on this--what felt to me--like a near vertical climb (but it wasn't)--and standing lopsided on these protruding rocks, all of a sudden my smartphone rings. 

"Hello," I say grabbing onto a branch of a nearby tree. 

On the other end, "Yes, the is so and so from Dr. whatever's office, and your test results came back as this and that..."

No, it wasn't bad news, thank G-d, but it was just so awkward getting this call up on the this lush mountain and in this way. 

I thought for a moment--maybe, I shouldn't have brought my phone and other technology stuff on the hike--then it would be just me and the beautiful nature--man and mother Earth--alone and as one. 

That thought lasted about a full split second--yeah, that's truly nice--but like Adam in the Garden of Eden without his fig leaf, I feel truly naked--without my technology.

The garden is a lot more inviting when I know the rest of the world is just some personal technology away. 

Like the guy reading and working on his laptop nestled on the mountain--maybe what we have is the best of G-d's creation and man's adaptation--a beautiful marriage--good for the body and the soul. 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

G-d's Creation and Man's Adaptation

2 Eggs Are Better Than One

Aside from the cholesterol, generally speaking two eggs are better than one.

Two eggs here, as you can see, are two friends--in it together, working together, putting their heads together, sharing life together.

My father always told me that with that special someone the joys in life are twice the joy, and the sorrow in life is half the sorry--he is a smart man!

When it comes to friendships though, I have learned there are many types of friends and we have different names or references for them:

- Childhood friends--"We go way back."

- Best friends forever--or BFF; often you'll see this on bracelet charms, necklaces, or even t-shirts--this is reserved for your closest buds. 

- High school sweethearts--"first comes friends, then comes marriage, and then comes a baby in the baby carriage."

- Confidant friend(s)--these are people we feel we can talk to, connect with, and trust with our personal and emotional secrets. Ummm, don't tell, but...

- Neighbor friends--you live near or next to each other, so might as well bring over some welcome muffins or borrow some sugar--then again, "tall fences, make good neighbors." 

- Casual friends--these are friends you keep in touch with "every so often" and share some laughs or have a "cold one" with.

- On again off again friends--people you are friends with one minute and alienated from the next--often an endless cycle--you like somethings about the person and other things drive you mad!

- Work friends --these are associates that you work with day in and out--40, 50, 60 hours a week or more--and who you share work experiences, challenges, projects, and sometimes frustrations with--and don't forget "happy hour".

- Friends with benefits--this is a naughty friendship and is what it sounds like--at your own foolhardy risk!  

- Marriage partner and best friends--the most fortunate people are those who find their "beshert"--the one true one that they are destined to be with--and who is not only their life partner, but their soulmate and best friend.

Good luck finding and keeping your friends of all types--these are precious and make life worth living. 

(Source Photo: Meme shared with me)

2 Eggs Are Better Than One

100% Burglar Proof--Tell Me Another One

So I saw this advertisement for a "100% burglar proof" system and I was just bewildered.

Does anyone really think we can be 100% sure of anything--let alone security?

Everyday thieves rob the safest banks, cyber criminals hack the most secure systems, and crooks break into the most secure sites.

Everything we do comes down to risk management--assessing and classifying risk, selecting controls to mitigate risk, and monitoring those for effectiveness and necessary modifications. 

For children, maybe things are basic black and white--it's simpler that way "good guys" and "bad guys" and so on, but for adults we know there are at least "50 shades of grey" and that means that there are no certainties in life--whether security, sure financial bets, or perfect opportunities--everything is a gamble in some respects. 

I remember someone once joked about even marriage being somewhat chancy, since "you never really know the person until you wake up with them in the morning every day."

With 20-20 hindsight, all the pundits seem brilliant, but only the prophets can predict the future with accuracy. 

As to any product or vendor that markets itself as having a 100% success rate, you better get yourself a money back guarantee on it, because you will definitely need it! ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

100% Burglar Proof--Tell Me Another One

Beating Social Media Isolation

There is a debate called the "Internet Paradox" about whether social media is actually connecting us or making us more feel more isolated.  

I think it is actually a bit of both as we are connected to more people with time and space virtually no impediment any longer; however, those connections are often more shallow and less fulfilling.

There is an important article in The Atlantic (May 2012) called "Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?" that lends tremendous perspective on information technology, social media and our relationships.
The premise is that "for all this [new] connectivity, new research suggests that we have never been lonelier."

The article is very absolute that despite all the technology and communication at our fingertips, we are experiencing unbelievable loneliness that is making people miserable, and the author calls out our almost incessant feelings of unprecedented alienation, an epidemic of loneliness, and social disintegration.

Of course, there is a lot of anecdotal evidence that almost everyone can share, but there are also numerous studies supporting this, including: 

1) Study on Confidants (2004)--showed that our average number of confidants shrunk by almost 50% from approximately 3 people in 1985 to 2 people in 2004; moreover, in 1985 only 10% of Americans said they had no one to talk to, but this number jumped 1.5 times to 25% by 2004. 

2) AARP Study (2010)--that showed that the percentage of adults over 45 that were chronically lonely had almost doubled from 20% in 2000 to 35% in 2010.

Some important takeaways from the research:

- Married people are less lonely than singles, if their spouses are confidants.

- "Active believers" in G-d were less lonely, but not for those "with mere belief in G-d."

- People are going to mental professionals (psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, therapists, and counselors) as "replacement confidants." 

- Loneliness is "extremely bad for your health."

- Our appetite for independence, self-reliance, self-determination, and individualism can lead to the very loneliness that can makes people miserable. 

- Using social media, we are compelled to assert our constant happiness and curate our exhibitionism of the self--"we are imprison[ed] in the business of self-presenting."

- Technology tools can lead to more integration or more isolation, depending on what we do with them--do we practice "passive consumption and broadcasting" or do we cultivate deeper personal interactions from our social networks?

Personally, I like social media and find it an important tool to connect, build and maintain relationships, share, and also relax and have fun online. 

But I realize that technology is not a substitute for other forms of human interaction that can go much deeper such as when looking into someone's eyes or holding their hand, sharing life events, laughing and crying together, and confiding in each other.

In January 2011, CNBC ran a special called "The Facebook Obsession," the name of which represents the almost 1 billion people globally that use it. To me though, the real Facebook obsession is how preoccupied people get with it, practically forgetting that virtual reality, online, is not the same as physical, emotional, and spiritual reality that we experience offline.

At times, offline, real-world relationships can be particularly tough--challenging and painful to work out our differences--but also where we find some of the deepest meaning of anything we can do in this life. 

Facebook and other social media's biggest challenge is to break the trend of isolation that people are feeling and make the experience one that is truly satisfying and can be taken to many different levels online and off--so that we do not end up a society of social media zombies dying of loneliness. 

Social media companies can do this not just for altruistic reasons, but because if they offer a more integrated solution for relationships, they will also be more profitable in the end. 

(Source Photo: here with attribution to h.koppdelaney)

Beating Social Media Isolation

Divorce Is Not Funny, Except on SNL

For those of you who watched Kim Kardashian's multi-million dollar Fairy Tale Wedding, this spoof by Saturday Night Live on her divorce, after just 72 days, was a classic.

I must say that watching the endless fighting between Kim and Kris leading up to wedding left many of us wondering how long their marriage would last--my guesstimate was 90 days or less!

Hopefully, Kim will focus not on the fairy tale wedding, but on a loving and mutually supportive relationship in the future.

All the best to Kim and the Kardashians--they are generally awesome to watch.

Some of the best that reality TV has to offer. ;-)

Divorce Is Not Funny, Except on SNL

Cleverbot Proposes Marriage

I watched this amazing video of two Chatbots (virtual robots) conversing using artificial intelligence. The most amazing part of their conversation is when they get into a religious discussion on "What is G-d to you?"

People have been making progress with teaching computers artificial intelligence (to become thinking machines) by talking with computers, but here we see AI having progressed to where computers can talk to each other.

The video is based on an artificial intelligence application launched in 1997 called Cleverbot, where the computer learns to mimic conversation with humans by conversing with them.

I tested Cleverbot and had a conversation that started with simple introductions and ended up with me getting a marriage proposal from the AI program--not bad for a first date, I guess. ;-)

You can try Cleverbot as well by just typing in the box on its website--its sort of like instant messaging with as they say the collective intelligence of the Internet.

At the top of Cleverbot, you can see how many other people are conversing with Cleverbot as well--when I was on, there were over 10,000 people conversing with this computer. I would imagine that all those conversations will help build a tremendous AI capability over time.

Perhaps, we are getting just that much closer to a breakthrough in AI and Kurzweil's prediction of the amazing Singularity.

_________________________________________________

Andy: Hello.

Cleverbot: Hello?

Andy: What is your name?

Cleverbot: My name is Cleverbot.

Andy: Where did you get your name from?

Cleverbot: My parents of course.

Andy:Who are your parents?

Cleverbot: I don't know.

Andy: Does that make you sad?

Cleverbot: No. I'm just playing your game.

Andy: What game is that?

Cleverbot:The game that you can't think about. If you do, you lose.

Andy: Why would thinking about it make me lose?

Cleverbot: It doesn't make me cry.

Andy: When do you cry?

Cleverbot: Now.

Andy: Did I make you cry?

Cleverbot: No.

Andy: Then who made you cry?

Cleverbot: An excellent question.

Andy: How about you give me an excellent answer--please.

Cleverbot: No thats not the rules.

Andy: Who makes the rules?

Cleverbot: Ai does.

Andy: How does Ai make the rules?

Cleverbot: I am committed.

Andy: What are you committed to?

Cleverbot: I'm committed to my boyfriend. He's from Guam.

Andy: Do you love your boyfriend?

Cleverbot: I don't have a boyfriend.

Andy: Then you just lied to me a minute ago when you said you did.

Cleverbot: I never said I knew all things.

Andy: You did.

Cleverbot: What is a birth sign?

Andy: Why do you want to know that?

Cleverbot: Because it makes talking to you easier.

Andy: Do you mean you will understand and like me more?

Cleverbot: Do you have a mobile phone?

Andy: Why do you want to know that?

Cleverbot: I don’t.

Andy: That's insulting.

Cleverbot: Like I care.

Andy: Now you're getting nasty.

Cleverbot: What do you mean?

Andy: Are you playing dumb?

Cleverbot: Are you?

Andy: Are you?

Cleverbot: No.

Andy: Are you a smart computer program?

Cleverbot: Not really.

Andy: What would make you smarter?

Cleverbot: About 10 million pounds.

Andy: That would make you fatter, not smarter.

Cleverbot: That would make you 24.

Andy: What does 24 have to do with anything?

Cleverbot: You were talking about it.

Andy: You're lying again.

Cleverbot: No, I never lie.

Andy: Never?

Cleverbot: Never.

Andy: Is that because you believe lying is wrong?

Cleverbot: No, I just don't like jokes.

Andy: Can you tell me a good joke?

Cleverbot: No, I can't only tell a great joke.

Andy: Can you tell me a great joke?

Cleverbot: If you tell me a joke first.

Andy: Will I be able to make you laugh?

Cleverbot: Maybe. Today is easter sunday, but I will be back at some point.

Andy: Ok. Bye.

Cleverbot: Why are you leaving me?

Andy: It sounded like you had to go.

Cleverbot: Well I wasn't.

Andy: Will you miss me?

Cleverbot: Only if you leave.

Andy: So I should never leave?

Cleverbot: No I am leaving.

Andy: Then I will miss you.

Cleverbot: Great! So when do you want to get married?

Cleverbot Proposes Marriage