Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts

August 17, 2020

Pink Bear

Does a pink bear sh*t in the woods?

Like a politician speaks falsehoods!

My dad would rightfully say, "Be careful, don't step in the hoy[t]a!"

Compliments of some good old Native American humor. 

At one point, probably from Reader's Digest! :-)

(Credit Photo; Andy Blumenthal)
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March 19, 2015

What Type Of IT Error Was That?

So true story...

One of my collegues was giving me a status on an IT problem in the office. 

With a very straight face, he goes, "Yeah, it was an I.D. 10 T error!"

I'm just looking at him with a sort of blank face (I must have been emanating something like, "What are you talking about Willis?")

And he repeats, "An I.D. 10 T error...uh?"

Ok, one more time, I haven't had my coffee yet.

So he goes dotting his head, "What you haven't heard about an I.D. 10 T error?"

"All right, you got me...What is an I.D. 10 T error."

And as I'm saying it out loud and visioning it on paper, his little joke is out of the box.

Hey cut me some slack, I'm a Jewish kid from the Bronx and so I innocently say, "An IDIOT Error?"

Now he's nodding his head up and down in excitement, "An end user--IDIOT--error!"

And he starts laughing his head off. 

Ok boys and girls in IT...rule #16 of office etiquette, please don't call the end-users, idiots.

Back to customer service (and sensitivity) training for some of the jokesters on the team... ;-)
(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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January 17, 2015

Temptation Or Accusation?

So on the way home from synagogue today, my wife and I are talking about what happened to the renown Harvard constitutional and criminal lawyer, Alan Dershowitz.

He was accused of having repeatedly had sex with an underage woman (while he was married with children and grandchildren).

I explained to my wife not to believe these accusations, that in my mind, Dershowitz was upstanding and completely innocent, and that this could happen to anyone.

And I went on to tell a funny story from a day earlier...

I was at a retirement party for one of my staff who served the country for 51 years.

At the party, I am going around talking with people and helping to make everyone comfortable--until I didn't.

One guy who was a retired manager and had come back to work as a contractor calls me over to his table to introduce me to his wife. 

He's motioning to her and saying how she is his most beloved wife.

And just joking around trying to keep a straight face, I say, "Hmm, she's a lot different than the other woman I see you with every day."

[Yeah, I don't know what came over me (maybe a little to much drink--any drink is too much for this dry mouth).]

His wife, is like, "Ah ha! Some other woman in the office..."

And he's leaning back, waving his hands and mouthing to me, "Shut up Andy!"

He goes, "Okay Andy, you just wait until I meet your wife!"

Then, we all broke out laughing...just Andy being a wise guy again!

So, I said to my wife, you see how easy it is for someone to make a false accusation (and how quickly people can be to think the worst of others).

It really is important to treat people as "innocent until proven guilty."

As for Andy's hijinks...I'm banned from any more parties for the next few weeks. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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November 25, 2014

Pain Relief - SUPER SIZED!

This was funny at CVS today.

The "value size" extra strength Tylenol (equivalent)--1000 pills!

Think about it that's something like 500 headaches...

It reminded me when I worked in the financial service industry in New York City.

The Comptroller of the corporation has a mega size bottle of aspirin right on the front of his desk when you walked in.

It was clear he was quite S~T~R~E~S~S~E~D out.

From a personal branding perspective (my wife is the expert at this), I would imagine that this is not the image you would want people to have of you all the time.

Anyway, pain relief for some is a very big bottle of Tylenol and for others a nice bottle of wine or some time at the beach. 

My father used to tell me the joke, "If I have to give up wine, women, or song...I'll give up singing!" ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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November 16, 2014

Didn't Do It

My elderly father retold a funny joke to us yesterday when we visited him at his assisted living home.

It goes like this...

A teacher in school asks the classroom of children, "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

One little child in the front of the room meekly raises his hand, and when called on by the teacher answers,"I didn't do it!"

The teacher is taken aback at the response, and after class calls the child's father and tell him to come in after school to discuss this. 

After school, the father shows up and sits down with the teacher, and listens to him repeat the story about what happened in class.

The father is visibly annoyed, and when the teacher is done staunchly says, "If my son says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it!"

Ah, I suppose one could take this as a sad commentary either generally-speaking on the state of our education system or in particular of this family that is quite clueless--and where it's clear that the apple does not fall far from the tree. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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September 28, 2014

Asleep During The Speech

Short story...so this nice gentleman came from the house of worship to visit my dad in assisted living over the holidays.

The man talked about the speeches the clergy gave and how he only understood the basics, and the rest was sort of over his head (hey, I can definitely relate to that too...we all can). 

Perhaps, this points to how important it is to talk to the people (and not over the people)--making it relevant and stirring--although it's probably not easy to give a speech that resonates well with everyone. 

Anyway, there are good speeches, and then let's face it, there are speeches that could be better. 

Afterward, my dad and this man joked about how they've seen some people actually fall asleep during the clergy's speech...yes, this is obviously not very respectful, but sometimes people just doze off perhaps because it's hot inside with all the people, and they work so hard during the week that they just are relaxed and off they go.

My dad goes on to tell this joke:

The clergyman is giving a speech from the pulpit.

All of a sudden he notices this guy sleeping in one of the pews.

The clergy says to the man's neighbor sitting next to him, "Can you please wake him up?"

The worshipper responds, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up."

Then my dad let out a really nice, healthy laugh...it was good to hear (the other guy was laughing with him). 

On a side note, my dad said something else funny and insightful today:

"It's not easy getting old...it takes many years!" 

Amen to that.  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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June 26, 2014

Let It Be

I remember as a kid, when I was around 10 years old, we moved, and I had to change schools, and there was an adjustment period. 

My father used to tell me a joke in the morning before school about these two grandmothers kibbitzing.

And one tells the other about how her grandson hates going to school. 

She goes on to say, "The students hate him, the teachers hate, it's just horrible."

The other grandmother replies, "Well then, why doesn't he just tell the principal?"

The first grandmother answers, "He is the principal!"

So this was a lesson to me about how no one has it so perfect in life--whether you're the kid, teacher, or even the principal, everyone has their challenges (and they may actually not look all that differently in the larger context of things). 

Basically, in life we must work to make things better where we can, but also have to accept the things we cannot change (and thank G-d, people are pretty adaptable, expecially given some time). 

While, we can try to divine the future by asking "What's going to be?"

Generally speaking, we can't fully know the answers in life before we even have the questions.

We've got to take it as it come, where we can--do our best to make a tangible, positive difference in the world--and with the rest, "let it be."

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
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August 26, 2013

Where Do You Find G-d?

My dad told me this joke over the weekend.

It's about the Rabbi who asked the little boy in school... 

"WHERE do you find G-d?"

Raising his voice again...

"Where do you find G-D?"

Stretching out his arms to the heavens....

"Where do YOU find G-d?"  

The boy rushes outside, nearly in tears, and finds his little brother and says:

"The Rabbi thinks we stole G-d."

I'm not sure if the joke itself is really funny or just the way my dad tells it. 

But I can almost see that child panicking and thinking he was being accused of something terrible. 

Anyway, as we all know G-d is everywhere and most importantly inside all of us. 

That's the spark that burns--our soul from above. 

(Source Photo: adapted from here with attribution to Kigaliwire)


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July 13, 2013

News You Can't Count On


This is one of those unbelievable stories that you have to pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming or is it real.

An intern over at the National Transportation Safety Board provided KTVU a list of pilot names for the Asiana plane that crashed in San Francisco last week. 

Only...the pilot names weren't real but a spoof making fun of the airline pilots, their race, and the crash. 

With three people dead (including two 16-year old girls) and 200 wounded (with 2 still in critical condition) this really isn't a laughing matter. 

But the gall of this intern to pass these names off to the news, and then the TV stations blind acceptance of these as fact, plus the newscaster reading them aloud and still apparently not realizing what she was saying...is completely crazy!

Don't believe everything...look closely, listen carefully--is it a joke, an agenda, brainwashing, or maybe at times, some genuine facts you can actually count on. ;-)
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June 23, 2013

Worry, Who Doesn't?

Many people worry--they are afraid of all sorts of bad things that can happen. 

And they ruminate on what ifs and what they can do about it--if anything. 

The more people feel they have no control over a negative situation, the more they worry about it--they can feel helpless and hopeless--and this may even lead to depression. 

I remember as a kid my dad telling me a story/joke about this--it went something like this:

One grandmother is talking to another.

She complains how her grandson always worries about going to school. 

The other grandmother says, "Oh really, why?"

The first grandmother tells her that her grandson is worried because "The kids hate him. The teachers hate him. And everyone gives him a hard time."

The other grandmother says, "So why doesn't he go talk the principal?"

The first grandmother answers, "Because he is the principal!"

The moral of the story is that everyone has problems, and has worries, and it doesn't matter who you are--whether you're a kid in school or the principal in charge, a worker in the company or the CEO, and so on. 

I think sometimes we lose sight of the frailty of all human beings and we think mistakingly that just because someone is successful or high up on the totem pole of life that they don't have worries and problems.

Which reminds me of something else my grandfather used to say: "G-d doesn't let any tree grow into the heavens."

No matter how big a person gets, G-d reminds us of who is really boss--so chop chop on the tree and watch that big ego--we're just people. ;-)

(Source Photo of picture: Andy Blumenthal)


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March 6, 2013

The Birthday Gift


Here's a little joke my father tells--hope you enjoy it:

A man buys his wife a grave for her birthday.

The next year, he doesn't buy her anything. 

"Why didn't you buy me a present this year," she asks.

Says the husband, "Because you still didn't use the one from last year." ;-)

(Source Photo: here with attribution to Adam Jones)

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February 20, 2013

The Cow and Two Acres

This photo reminded me of a joke my father used to tell.

It went something like this...

A man often complained that his father-in-law promised him a cow and two acres.

- And he is still waiting for the two acres.

No offense ladies, those were the "olden days." ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

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January 1, 2013

Panera Bread and The Disabled Man

So how many of you have seen the ABC show "What Would You Do?" hosted by John Quinones.

The show is a little like "Candid Camera," which ran for over 5 decades, in which a practical joke was played out on people with a hidden camera capturing their reactions. Then when the joke was over, the people would be told "Smile, you're on Candid Camera."

The new show "What Would You Do?" is similar in that a scenario is played out with a hidden camera, but rather than a joke, people are tested with illegal or unjust situations to see what they would do and whether they would speak up for the victim? It is a test of character and conviction. And at the end of the scenario, Quinones and the cameras are revealed. 

I was reminded of this show yesterday, when I was in at Panera Bread and at the table next to me was a disabled man in a scooter--hunched over and not looking too well. 

At one point, the disabled man leaves the table for a moment to get something to eat or go to the bathroom, perhaps.

In the meantime, another man comes over and takes his table. When the disabled man in the scooter returns and asks for his table back, the other man simply ignores him (intentionally) and keeps eating as if the diasabled man wasn't even there. 

The kicker here was that the disabled man could not really sit anymore else as this particular table had the extra room around it that he needed to get his scooter in at.

The disabled man put his head down and just shook his head in disbelief that the other man wouldn't let him sit back at the table. 

The man eating his sandwich finally says, "No one was here--this is my table!"

At this point, I couldn't stand seeing this poor man suffer anymore, and I said "He was sitting there, the whole time, and just left for a moment." To which, I thought this whole "misunderstanding" between the men would be resolved.

But I was wrong!

The man eating his sandwich at the table then shakes his head and nods his shoulders indicating that he just didn't care and too bad on the disabled man. 

In turn, I offered the disabled man our table and that we would move instead, but he refused and just waited for the other man to do the right thing. 

At this point both myself and my wife and the people sitting on the other side of the man try to intervene and ask that he please give the disabled man his table back, where he had been sitting, so he could finish his meal.

Then, the man at the table slams his fist down and starts cursing us all out, loudly. 

My wife got up to get the store manager, and while she does this the man finally moves to another table pushing an empty chair at us. 

I couldn't help thinking how this was like the show "What Would You Do?"--but this was real life and this horrible man was no actor!  

And John Quinones did not appear to interview everyone after and have a few laughs. Instead, we were saddened by how some people can be so cruel to others and I was reminded by something I had read from Voltaire that stated that "every person is guilty of all the good he didn't do."

My hope is that whatever hurt this person had in their life that would cause them to treat others this way is healed and that they can find in their heart to have mercy on others and help them rather than get angry and spiteful--there are more tables to eat at and the food is just as good over there. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

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