Needy And You Know It

Some people are so needy--they are almost like children in adult's clothing, while others are so distant they may as well be living on another planet--they are in there own world. 

The Wall Street Journal (15 July 2013) asks why some people seem to demand so much? 

It explains that there are three types of people:

1) Secure--these people were raised in a consistently caring and responsive manner and they become warm and loving people themselves able to form healthy balanced relationships--where they can be apart from and together with others and function well in both situations.

2) Avoidant/Dismissive--those who are raised in an environment where neediness was not tolerated and was seen as suffocating, and so they learn to minimize closeness to others--they are distant and detached. 

3) Anxious/Needy--People raised in an inconsistent environment, where they got mixed messages about nurturing, and they end up constantly feeling insecure and needy, like they will get drawn in and then rejected again, so they smother other people with their neediness and don't recognize and respect appropriate boundaries. 

This third personality type, who is always needy and ends up pushing away other people, who feel suffocated, reminds me of a funny scene in Woody Allen's "Annie Hall" where a couple visit the therapist, who asks each of them how often they have sex? The man says, "Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week." But then the woman when asked the same question says, "Constantly. I'd say three times a week." 

Just like people can't really change their basic sexual needs (men apparently wanting physical intimacy more often then women), so too people can't change the home life they were raised in--good, bad or indifferent. 

Whether people are needy and clingy, aloof and dismissive, or plays between hot and cold, we need to figure out how to care about and love them for whoever they are. 

Boundaries are key. Taking some personal space is healthy. Together time and intimacy is critical. 

It's all about finding a balance--where each person has the time and space to be who they are, and then come back to a warm and caring relationship to share, rejuvenate, and laugh and cry together. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Needy And You Know It

Getting To Know You

This was a funny picture that my wife took today.

It is a guy sitting in the restaurant surrounded by women.

He is eating and reading.

The book is "What Do Women Want?"

What--like most men don't have a clue how women think!

Anyway, sort of an interesting way to take a break from the workday.

Pondering the ultimate mystery men seem to want to know. 

Anyway, I know what my women wants and that's for me to take out the garbage. ;-)

(Source Photo: Dannielle Blumenthal)

Getting To Know You

Why People Spy

There is an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal (31 May 2013) about why people spy.

The former CIA case officer, who recruited others to become traitors and wrote the article says, it comes down to MICES:

- Money: "We give you cash, and you steal secrets."

- Ideology: The person no longer believes in their system of government or has been abused by the system.

- Conscience: Someone who is looking to atone for the crimes/sins of the system or of themselves. 

- Ego: This is a person who responds to stroking of their self-esteem and sense of purpose.

- Sex: A fifth powerful motivator is sex or a relationship that may address people's feelings of isolation or loneliness. 

Thinking about the motivation for spying in terms of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I have connected the five techniques to turn someone with their basic needs, making the Pyramid of Spying:

- Money fulfills people's base physiological needs.

- Ideology appeals to someone who has been abused and hates the system and thus is tied to motivations for safety and security.

- Sex/relationships has to do with social needs.

- Stroking someone's ego fulfills his/her esteem needs. 

- Spying for reasons of conscience (e.g. what some would consider becoming enlightened) is driven by the need to self-actualize. 

The reason that I turned the pyramid/hierarchy upside down for the motivations of why people spy is that being "turned" and becoming a traitor to one's country is such an unnatural and abhorrent concept to normal people that they would generally not do it just for the money, revenge, or sex (lower-level needs), but rather they ultimately would need to be driven by reasons of conscience and ego (higher-level needs).

Of course, sprinkling in the money, ideology, and sex makes acting the traitor that much more appealing to some--and helps "grease the wheels" to go outside the bounds of what a normal person does and feels towards their nation--but those are not the primary drivers for committing the ultimate crime against one's country. 

Again, normal people are not motivated to be treacherous and treasonous, but given the wrong dose of motivations, people are turned--this means we know how to use the tools of the trade to our nation's advantage, but also to be mindful and watchful of those who motivations are being acted on. 

(Source Graphic: Andy Blumenthal)

Why People Spy

Vandalism and Vomit -- Only $2,500!

So we went to look at a new dorm-type apartment for my daughter. 

She and her friends want to be near campus and where everyone hangs out. 

When we got to the building, the front door glass was smashed in and wooden planks filled the space over the whole door. 

While we were waiting in front, a group of girls were walking in--and one was saying to the others, "Oh, he says he loves me, and he wants to have sex with me..."--then couldn't hear the rest as they continued by. 

Inside the lobby was this "Vandalism Report" with dates for each (not shown)--Take a look at it (THIS IS REAL!).

- Signs and fire extinguishers vandalized. 

- Beer cups thrown off the balcony.

- Graffiti painted on the walls. 

- And best for last...urine, vomit, rubbish, and blood discovered--at multiple times and in multiple places!

The slumlord landlord, buys up the filthy apartments, renovates them, and rents out two-bedroom units in this building for approximately $2500, split 4 ways among the students. 

He takes 2 months security deposit. 

And he makes each person responsible for all the others, so if one person backs out or doesn't pay, each of the other students are responsible--not just for their share (lease). 

He advertised one unit, but showed us another.

Then told us this one was also already taken and we should trust him and sign up for another unit that he is purchasing and "it will be the same thing, trust me!"

This whole thing was disappointing to my daughter who was excited to be with all her friends so close to campus. 

I was proud of her when my wife asked her despite how much she wanted this...did she feel this guy was trustworthy?--and she said, "No!"

Not sure who would want to live in a place like this...but my daughter was disappointed anyway.

It's hard to be practical, when the emotional side for people take over. 

These young people are victimized by the slumlords, who prey on their youth, inexperience, and needs. 

This place was disgusting--even so, it's tough to be a parent because you want your children to learn from mistakes, but mistakes can be so costly.

Funny thing is, there were plenty of kids in this building--where are the grownups? ;-)

Vandalism and Vomit -- Only $2,500!

Growing And Getting Old Together

The Wall Street Journal had a good book review on "The End of Sex" by Donna Freitas. 

The book is about the casual hook-up culture, where a sexual interaction is brief--like a single night--purely physical, and "no strings" attached--"you just do it, you're done, and you can forget about it."

Essentially it is a purely hedonistic, selfish act, for one's own pleasure--where the other person (if you even know their name) doesn't count. 

The review recounts studies that show that the percentage of undergraduates that have participated in hookups is as high as 65 to 75%!

People are searching a quick fix "without the constraints and sacrifices" that real committed relationships require. 

According to the review, hookups are not liberating and empowering, but denigrating and dehumanizing--where the other person is just a thing to use for self-pleasure.

It can certainly be understandable that college-aged students are driven to exploration and experimentation, and those unattached can be frustrated and alone and are looking for love. 

Whether hookup are the right way to find this--is an individual choice--however from my Jewish upbringing, I was raised to appreciate those who maintain modesty before marriage, because that way the bond of marriage is stronger for it. 

The book review seems to imply that hooking up for sex is perhaps just steps away from "sexual assault"--taking sex through violence --one way or another.  In a sense, the animal nature takes over and the spiritual element and higher connection is absent. Whether the means is consensual or forced, self-satisfaction is the end. 

While sex is a genuine human need, waking up to a stranger--no matter how attractive--is not a great substitute for sharing life's joys (and sorrows) with your true other half, because meaning means more than just the self and the moment. 

On one hand, if people can't find emotional love, then they can be left with the physical aspect of sex alone. On the other hand, even some in relationships may not be in the "right" relationships, and may be left searching for more. And still others may use sex to express their power over others--taking what they want, when they want, and how they want. 

At the most elementary level, people are motivated to pure self-satisfaction, yet as they rise up to higher orders of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, they are driven further to self-actualization. 

Seeing grandparents, parents and others grow a bond of giving and fidelity that is built up over decades is a truly beautiful thing--where love can deepen over time, rather than be forgotten the next morning. 

Meeting other people, dating, and developing relationships are markers on the road for those who are fortunate enough to find their true life partners--those with whom they can grow and get old together with. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Growing And Getting Old Together

Just Hanging Out

I understand when someone says they are just going to hang out, but this is ridiculous--a lion hanging out of the window, overlooking a main thoroughfare in the Capital!

With all the intrigue about the emails and affairs the last few days--I think this feline, might just be feeling a little curious.

The father of one of the ladies involved said there is a lot more to the story...Mr. Lion here is watching and waiting with the rest of us to hear what's up.

Certainly, not our finest national moment--and as Ricky Ricardo would say, "Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!"  ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Just Hanging Out

Sorry Amanda Todd

Just watched this video with my daughter about Amanda Todd, the 15 year old girl from Canada who hung herself on Wednesday. 

She made some mistakes with some guys--looks like she was taken advantage of--and then she was ruthlessly bullied, tormented, tagged, shamed, followed, beaten, and encouraged to kill herself. 

After depression, anxiety, drugs, alcohol, cutting, and drinking bleach, she finally hung herself and is gone. 

To those horrible people that pursued this young women and essentially murdered her--you are vile and disgusting and G-d will one day bring you to final judgement. 

To the family of Amanda Todd, our heart, prayers, and sympathy goes out to you--your daughter and all decent people like her deserve better from society. 

If we can only learn from this tragedy, perhaps her death will not have been in vain. 

She wrote: "I have nobody. I need somebody. :(" 

Hopefully, she is now with the heavenly father--and has not just somebody, but the one that matters the most.

Sorry Amanda Todd

Daddy Long Legs Exposed

Back in primary school, the kids used to call these "daddy long legs". 

Like everyone else, I've had the opportunity to see one of these, but never two in such a compromising pose. 

The other day watching a action movie, one character asks another, "So which are you scared of--snakes or spiders? Everyone is scared of one or the other."

The CIA lady says: "Spiders" and later admits, she lied. 

The Army Ranger lady says: "I'm not scared of anything."

Two different philosophies on defeating the enemy--do you overcome them with strength, courage, and bravado or perhaps you mislead them with deceit and cunning or with both approaches. 

In any case, the other saying that this photo reminds me of from childhood is "bees do it, birds do it" and now I know that spiders do it too. :-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Daddy Long Legs Exposed

Modesty In A Social Media World

New "love" app out of the U.K. called I Just Made Love (IJML).
This one is not for the modest or privacy-conscious.
The app is available for download for both the iPhone and Android.
Essentially, people are going out and using location-based services (i.e. GPS) and self-identifying their love-making--act by act. We're up to 194,000+ already!
Not to be gross, but the app lets people not only report on doing the act and where, but also using check boxes with icons, you can identify the details such as the context: couch, indoor and outdoor, as well as how: 5 top positions--which is way more information than I care to hear about.
In our often hedonistic society, there are of course, other services such as Four-Square that lets you broadcast where you fulfill other bodily pleasures like eating, drinking, and shopping.
Personally, I don't care to know what people are doing or where--too intrusive for my liking. But I can see why others may want to use FourSquare type apps (not IJML or who knows) with friends and family who may want to connect in this way--like to meet for Happy Hour at Old Town.
And certainly, marketers are interested in capturing valuable personal information on what you are doing, where and with whom, and using it to drive their sales and profits. Maybe you get a coupon out of it. :-)
With the love app, it seems like some people want to brag, appear the Don Juan, raise their "macho" social status, or just perhaps enjoy being exhibitionists.
From my perspective, the main pro of this app is to promote the concept (not the act itself) of love over things like war, hate, discrimination, etc.
Even with that being said, it seems like some things are just better off left as intimate moments between you and your special other.
Interesting to me, this topic of disclosure came up big time in the Orthodox Jewish world with the publication in the Yeshiva University Beacon (5 December 2011) of a much written-about article entitled "How Do I Even Begin To Explain This," where a frum Jewish girl from Stern College discloses her story of illicit rendezvous in a hotel room with a gentlemen and at the same time the "walk of shame the day after."
The dichotomy between her "Orthodox" beliefs and her "secular" actions and her publication of this article in a Yeshiva newspaper and her explicit description of sexual deeds is a perfect example of the tear in our society between privacy and social probity on one hand, and the desire or need to share and be "free" of all constraints on the other.
As a social commentary, we are at a point where it seems that nothing is real unless we share it with others, and that can be good or bad--it can lead to greater wisdom and societal advancement or it can lead us to do things we shouldn't do, are sorry we did, and where we feel shame afterwards.

Modesty In A Social Media World

"Sexual Healing"--Marvin Gaye Wasn't Kidding

Ok, so the only topic that can compete with the killing of Osama Bin Laden (OBL) this week is an an article about sex--what???

No, I am not trying to be crude or vulgar. The Wall Street Journal, 3 May 2011, in the Health Journal reports that research show numerous health benefits to sex.

As if the mere act of procreation wasn't enough already...research now shows that sex:

- "Relieves stress" ("there's a relaxation response and a satiation response")--what's new there?

- "Improves sleep and burns calories"--ok, more no brainers as it "burns an estimated five calories per minute"--did anyone say competition with Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig? :-)

- "Reduces pain" ("you lie there and life is great")--who has time to think about pain?

- "Eases depression...improves mood"--ditto with the above

- "Strengthen blood vessels"--it's good exercise!

- "Boosts the immune system"--a perk up all around.

- "Lowers the risk of prostate and breast cancer"--Thank G-d!

Of course, there are chemical explanations for pretty much all these things: hormones, neurotransmitters, endorphins, testosterone, estrogen, prostaglandins, dopamine, prolactin...(OMG, no wonder, I never went to medical school).

But maybe the greatest gift of all, aside from the pure love and intimacy are several studies which suggest that "sex extends life in general"--almost like the holy grail of health benefits:

For men, those "who had sex less than once per month were twice as likely to die in the next 10 years than those who had sex once per week." While for women, those "who said they enjoyed their sex lives lived 7-8 years longer than those who were indifferent."

Like I said, maybe the only story of the week that can compete with the U.S. dealing the final blow to OBL.

Oh, what a week. ;-)

"Sexual Healing"--Marvin Gaye Wasn't Kidding