Women, Not Things

In the context of the brutal raping and murder last year of a 23-year old women on a bus to the disgusting rape of a 5-year girl more recently in India, the Wall Street Journal (17 May 2013) has an article on "To Wed Your Rapist, or Not: Indian Women on Trial."

It is an eye-opening article about the prejudices and horrible injustices that women face in India and other countries--and it's not only due to the misogyny of some, and power- and pleasure-seeking of others, but it is based also on justices, lawyers, law enforcement, legislators, and spiritual figures in society that perpetuate the oppression of woman. 

Some societies are stacking the deck, so women cannot reasonably win due protection--from legislators who do not write and pass substantive and equitable laws to protect women, to law enforcement that will not commit the resources to pursue the rapists and women beaters, to lawyers and judges that raise ridiculous demands for proving guilt and sentencing, and to spiritual leaders that blame the victim rather than hold the perpetrators to task. 

These people who are supposed to bring justice to the victims, instead add insult to injury. Some of these include:

- Ruling against rape victims because they didn't successfully fight back. For example, a "lower court ruled that she was lying citing among other things the fact that she could have scratched the man's genitals, but didn't."

- Professing that victims are at fault for causing the rape, such as by wearing skirts, having male friends (i.e. "asking for it"), or otherwise dressing or behaving immodestly. At the extreme, one prominent spiritual figure actually held that the victim could've avoided trouble if she had "chanted a prayer, taken one of her attackers by the hand, and called him 'brother'"--as if one can convince an attacker not to attack by holding their hands and gushing brotherhood.

- Teaching that rape is not possible for strong women or those of a labor caste. A 2005 textbook stated, "In normal circumstances, it is not possible for a single man to hold sexual intercourse with a healthy adult female in full possession of her senses against her will." Oh, really? I doubt these teachers would like to test this hypothesis on their beloved mothers, sisters, wives, or daughters.

In Indian and other societies where women are so degraded, there is a standing notion of a rape victim having to marry their rapist--to make things right. Yet, how can this resolve anything? As if the incident of rape is not enough, the victim must endure a lifetime of rape--and by an individual without character or soul, who could commit such a brutal, violent act to begin with. 

Forcing the victim to marry the rapist does not spare a woman the challenge of marrying normally after such an traumatic act, but rather it precludes her from ever having an opportunity to rid herself of the pain and shame, and go on to be with someone who truly loves and respects her as a person, and not an object. 

As long as societies marginalize women through their beliefs, teachings, and systems of injustice, women will not be spared the agonizing harm they suffer by men who abuse their status of power. But as the old saying goes, "what goes around, comes around,"--what is incredible is that so many of these people just see it going, but don't see it coming. 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Women, Not Things

Growing And Getting Old Together

The Wall Street Journal had a good book review on "The End of Sex" by Donna Freitas. 

The book is about the casual hook-up culture, where a sexual interaction is brief--like a single night--purely physical, and "no strings" attached--"you just do it, you're done, and you can forget about it."

Essentially it is a purely hedonistic, selfish act, for one's own pleasure--where the other person (if you even know their name) doesn't count. 

The review recounts studies that show that the percentage of undergraduates that have participated in hookups is as high as 65 to 75%!

People are searching a quick fix "without the constraints and sacrifices" that real committed relationships require. 

According to the review, hookups are not liberating and empowering, but denigrating and dehumanizing--where the other person is just a thing to use for self-pleasure.

It can certainly be understandable that college-aged students are driven to exploration and experimentation, and those unattached can be frustrated and alone and are looking for love. 

Whether hookup are the right way to find this--is an individual choice--however from my Jewish upbringing, I was raised to appreciate those who maintain modesty before marriage, because that way the bond of marriage is stronger for it. 

The book review seems to imply that hooking up for sex is perhaps just steps away from "sexual assault"--taking sex through violence --one way or another.  In a sense, the animal nature takes over and the spiritual element and higher connection is absent. Whether the means is consensual or forced, self-satisfaction is the end. 

While sex is a genuine human need, waking up to a stranger--no matter how attractive--is not a great substitute for sharing life's joys (and sorrows) with your true other half, because meaning means more than just the self and the moment. 

On one hand, if people can't find emotional love, then they can be left with the physical aspect of sex alone. On the other hand, even some in relationships may not be in the "right" relationships, and may be left searching for more. And still others may use sex to express their power over others--taking what they want, when they want, and how they want. 

At the most elementary level, people are motivated to pure self-satisfaction, yet as they rise up to higher orders of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, they are driven further to self-actualization. 

Seeing grandparents, parents and others grow a bond of giving and fidelity that is built up over decades is a truly beautiful thing--where love can deepen over time, rather than be forgotten the next morning. 

Meeting other people, dating, and developing relationships are markers on the road for those who are fortunate enough to find their true life partners--those with whom they can grow and get old together with. ;-)

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Growing And Getting Old Together

Hospital Wake Up Call

So recently, I was in the hospital for something. 

G-d, I hate hospitals, but this time something was going on and I knew I had to go. 

I admire all the doctors, nurses, and other health professionals that work there helping people--it is definitely not an easy job.

I watched the other patients--on gurneys, in wheelchairs, laying in the hospital beds, and getting various procedures--and it is eye-opening. 

Many people, who are otherwise strong and able-bodied, are reduced to needing help with feeding, going to the bathroom, getting around, and some even just turning over in bed.

I watched the people out of their everyday clothes and forced into hospital gowns--one of the most awful things in terms of our human modesty and dignity.

Then there is the need to have to ask for everything and being reduced to poking, prodding, and vitals checkups at all hours of the day and night. 

In one case, they even woke someone up to give them a sleeping pill, true. 

Also, when you have to share a room with a stranger with their own various ailments, the quiet time and the privacy to deal with your issues is even less. 

Hospital are not a great place for getting rest or for feeling confidant in your abilities--let's face it, you're confronting very helplessness itself.

In these circumstances, I found myself getting down about the circumstances and my wife, G-d bless her, said something really smart to me. 

She said, "You are better than this," and I looked up at her feeling physically lousey and emotionally spent, and she repeated, "You are better than this."

I stopped to not just hear what she was saying, but to really listen--and it was amazing. 

She was right, there was nothing to feel bad about. I needed to have faith and believe that all was for the best, and that I was stronger than this test. 

A short time has passed, but I will never forget my wife's words to me--she gave me a great gift and I will always be grateful what she did for me. 

(Source Photo: Andy Blumenthal)

Hospital Wake Up Call

Modesty In A Social Media World

New "love" app out of the U.K. called I Just Made Love (IJML).
This one is not for the modest or privacy-conscious.
The app is available for download for both the iPhone and Android.
Essentially, people are going out and using location-based services (i.e. GPS) and self-identifying their love-making--act by act. We're up to 194,000+ already!
Not to be gross, but the app lets people not only report on doing the act and where, but also using check boxes with icons, you can identify the details such as the context: couch, indoor and outdoor, as well as how: 5 top positions--which is way more information than I care to hear about.
In our often hedonistic society, there are of course, other services such as Four-Square that lets you broadcast where you fulfill other bodily pleasures like eating, drinking, and shopping.
Personally, I don't care to know what people are doing or where--too intrusive for my liking. But I can see why others may want to use FourSquare type apps (not IJML or who knows) with friends and family who may want to connect in this way--like to meet for Happy Hour at Old Town.
And certainly, marketers are interested in capturing valuable personal information on what you are doing, where and with whom, and using it to drive their sales and profits. Maybe you get a coupon out of it. :-)
With the love app, it seems like some people want to brag, appear the Don Juan, raise their "macho" social status, or just perhaps enjoy being exhibitionists.
From my perspective, the main pro of this app is to promote the concept (not the act itself) of love over things like war, hate, discrimination, etc.
Even with that being said, it seems like some things are just better off left as intimate moments between you and your special other.
Interesting to me, this topic of disclosure came up big time in the Orthodox Jewish world with the publication in the Yeshiva University Beacon (5 December 2011) of a much written-about article entitled "How Do I Even Begin To Explain This," where a frum Jewish girl from Stern College discloses her story of illicit rendezvous in a hotel room with a gentlemen and at the same time the "walk of shame the day after."
The dichotomy between her "Orthodox" beliefs and her "secular" actions and her publication of this article in a Yeshiva newspaper and her explicit description of sexual deeds is a perfect example of the tear in our society between privacy and social probity on one hand, and the desire or need to share and be "free" of all constraints on the other.
As a social commentary, we are at a point where it seems that nothing is real unless we share it with others, and that can be good or bad--it can lead to greater wisdom and societal advancement or it can lead us to do things we shouldn't do, are sorry we did, and where we feel shame afterwards.

Modesty In A Social Media World